


A Matter of Trust

by kleinepfoetchen



Category: Castle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kleinepfoetchen/pseuds/kleinepfoetchen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about trust, love, and Castle knowing his friends better than they know themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters or storylines of 'Castle'. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: The story is an AU (alternate universe) from late season 3 on: Beckett's big case is solved, but the Captain is still around and has not been the third cop, she and Castle are together since the case was closed, while the boys aren't in relationships.

The ability to trust was a necessary and important gift every cop had to possess. Trusting issues in their line of duty could get involved people in trouble. Partners depended on each other, had to trust blindly, believing that the other one would always have their back, in every possible situation. Such a closeness would often be the foundation of close friendships that would be continued even if cops were transferred to different precincts, as some bonds simply couldn’t be broken.

Having to adjust to a new partner was often a challenge, as learning how to trust a stranger required hard work at times. When Ryan had transferred to the 12th precinct, Esposito had been hesitant at first, unsure on how to judge the newest addition to the team. The dorky young man hadn’t exactly looked like a decent cop to him at first, but very soon, he had gotten yet another proof for the fact that a book shouldn’t be judged by its cover.

They had moved on from partners to friends rather quickly, and trust had no longer been an issue. When Thornton, his ex-partner, had shown up again, had shortly been accused of being a murderer, his friend had been right by his side, had made sure he knew that he wasn’t alone in this mess of a case. Knowing there was someone he could completely rely on was a relieving fact.

Of course he should have expected that things wouldn’t stay so enjoyably easy. When exactly he had started to develop a crush on his partner was a mystery to Esposito which he believed wasn’t worth his attention. The feelings existed, were getting stronger with every passing day, and he couldn’t do much against them.

Except ignoring them. And he was an expert at ignoring feelings. The fact that Ryan seemed to be completely unaware of those feelings was proof enough for that. Their friendship mattered more to him than anything else, and he wouldn’t risk it for messed up feelings that were unrequited anyway.

And so, he took what he could get: working together every single day, meeting at each other’s place after work, playing video games, watching TV, eating pizza, sometimes on that disgusting red couch. Things weren’t easy, but could be worse, so he assumed.

Of course, they had gotten more complicated, thanks to their latest case of all things, and Esposito knew that once again, his patience and self control would be tested.

The case had started like every other one. A murdered woman had been found in Central Park, much to their frustration soaking wet thanks to the fact that it had been raining all night long. Weather was one of the few unpredictable effects that could either be a supporter or an obstacle. Snow, in some cases, was welcome as footprints would be clearly visible. So would be blood spatters and other evidence that could easily disappear on a darker ground. Rain though was never welcome, as it would wash everything away, and in some rough cases, they took it almost personal.

Things got even worse if their killer was smart and knew what he was doing. All they found was a gunshot wound. No bullet. No fingerprints. Nothing. The team had been prepared for endlessly long hours of turning in circles, seeking for anything that could hint into the right direction, just to find nothing after all. Cold cases were hated by every cop: even if they weren’t to blame for not closing it, a dull feeling of having failed would still stay.

This case seemed to prepare for lining up on the long list of unsolved cases. Until a certain Detective Mason showed up, to inform them that their murder victim had been working with the narcotic squad. Much to Ryan’s surprise and joy, who introduced the man as his old partner.

And that was nothing Esposito was too pleased about. Of course, he was very well aware of the fact that his jealousy wasn’t only unnecessary, it was also not helpful in this case either. Every support was needed, every hint was desperately desired, and Mason seemed to offer just that. More than willingly, he agreed to work alongside of them, in company of his old partner, whom he had taken under his wing during Ryan’s years with said squad. Professionality was his part of his job, and judging the other man without knowing him wasn’t an option at all.

Shaking his head at himself, Esposito leaned against the kitchen table, waiting for the coffee machine to finish. He was professional, always had been, and mentally cursed himself for seeing too many negative sides of the fellow Detective.

Arrogance. This flaw had jumped to his attention right from the start. Everything in Mason’s behaviour, in the way he talked, moved, held himself and presented his knowledge screamed arrogance. Esposito knew he tended to drift into this direction as well at times, but certainly not in a way like that. More than once, he caught himself wondering why Ryan was so amazed by the man, just to remember that years and years of being partners, of having a mentor, could do that to a person. It wasn’t his job to judge, especially not as long as jealousy was clouding his ability to do so.

“Here you’re hiding.”

The sunny voice of his partner interrupted Esposito in his thoughts. Looking up, he found himself facing a smiling Ryan, the sight instantly causing an all too familiar sensation deep within him. It never failed to amaze him how good he had learned to hide his emotions, to prevent them from being visible all over his face. The way his friend smiled, the way he looked at him increased the longing to an almost unbearable point, and caused his heart to ache in a way he had never wanted to experience. He would never understand why he had to fall for the one person he couldn’t have, and had to be confronted with this fact on a daily basis.

“I’m not hiding,” he forced himself to say eventually, to prevent the silence in the room from getting awkward.

Ryan didn’t seem to be convinced at all. “It’s because of George, right?” he asked. “You don’t really like him, huh?”

Esposito groaned inwardly at himself. Why could he hide his love for the man in front of him so perfectly, but failed at doing the same with his jealousy? “Nah, I don’t have a problem with Mason,” he stated. “Just...well, it’s odd to have someone join in with the cases, right? Always messes a bit with the team dynamic and all. Was the same with Castle, too.” Castle. Writer boy, who had been following Beckett like a lost puppy, until both had finally made the step and admitted their feelings to each other. The man was another idol of Kevin. Why he wasn’t jealous in this case though was nothing he wanted to question any further.

Before he could add more to explain himself though, Mason joined them in the kitchen, the by now familiar smile plastered across his face. Esposito could imagine it easily won over everyone else: he used such little details like body language and expressions himself. Seeing right through the tricks though wasn’t exactly a welcome gift, because it reflected his own behaviour to him.

“Is that the famous coffee machine?” Mason asked as he impressedly eyed the object in question. “Pretty nice, I gotta say. One could easily get jealous.” He winked. “Then again, if you work undercover in the right areas, you gotta experience some kind of luxury as well.” Turning to Esposito, he added, “You know my boy here worked undercover as well before he joined that precious little team of yours?”

“Of course,” Esposito stated with a short glance at his partner. Ryan had informed him about this fact briefly, but hadn’t gone further into details. He hadn’t question his friend any further, knowing that past jobs should be left in the past, and shouldn’t be dragged to the surface over and over again.

“You wouldn’t know it if you looked at him, but he’s done a damn fine job back then,” Mason continued, causing Ryan to blush.

“Wouldn’t have been able to do it without you though,” he said. “George would check in on me from time to time, to make sure I was doing fine in the beginning. Taught me all I know before I went in there.”

And there it was again: the expression in Ryan’s eyes that caused something deep within Esposito to rebel. He looked like a little boy, being praised by his beloved father. He couldn’t blame him, but couldn’t help his discomfort either. He couldn’t get rid of the doubts when he studied Mason, and hadn’t yet managed to figure out whether or not that was due to his own feelings or something else. His instinct rarely betrayed him, and he dearly hoped it wouldn’t mislead thanks to some pathetic feelings. There was something about this man that made him wary, but so far, no one else seemed to see that.

In silence, he watched the two men in front of him interact. His mug of coffee was forgotten by the time they had returned to work while he was still leaning motionless against the kitchen table. Shaking his head at himself, he sighed deeply, hoping they would solve the case soon.

\--------------------

During the years since he had started at the 12th precinct, Ryan’s former career in the narcotic squad had moved further and further into the background. He had loved the work, had learned a lot during his first exhausting years as a cop, until he had been allowed to do his own undercover job.

George Mason had been an important person during this part of his career. The man had offered a helping hand whenever he had needed it, had taught him so much, and had helped him through the rougher times, when he had doubted his career choice.

Seeing Mason again after such a long time, and working with him, was a wonderful experience which he hadn’t been prepared for at all. Years had passed, he was no longer a hesitant, inexperienced rookie, but still felt like a little boy as the man strode through the 12th as if he was part of it.

George Mason. The man, who had been even more of a father figure than Roy Montgomery, was back, and so were the memories. He had trusted in him on so many occasions, had always been there to offer the needed support, and sometimes even a shoulder to cry on. He was back, helping with their case, and Ryan was proud to watch that.

Thanks to him, they knew that their murder victim had been an informant. Also, thanks to him, they knew that obviously, the girl had been trying to contact other informants, who could either be responsible for the murder or be potential victims as well. Waiting for the cell phone information was nothing compared to how clueless they had felt just hours ago.

And then, his eyes darted over to Esposito. He was keeping himself busy with paperwork instead of listening to Mason’s stories like Beckett and Castle. Ryan could feel his friend didn’t like his ex-partner at all, despite his explanation that he just needed his time to get used to him. Everything in Esposito’s body language was revealing that he had a problem, and so far, he hadn’t managed to figure out what kind of problem this could be.

It was clearly there though, and he could feel the strong urge to keep on questioning his partner, to understand why he disliked the one other person who mattered so much to him. But Ryan knew him long enough to be aware of the fact that stubbornness wouldn’t get him anywhere. He would have to accept the situation the way it was, and hope that both men would get along for the length of the investigation.

“We got the callers list,” Beckett announced then, the sound of her voice interrupting his thoughts. She waited until they had gathered around her desk again. An excited tension was present in the room, more than usually when new evidence or new hints had been found. The case had seemed to be a hopeless one at first, but now was moving forward rather quickly, much to everyone’s joy.

“Does any name on this list sound familiar to you?” Beckett asked Mason, who was studying the list intendly. With narrowed eyes, he read through the names, until realisation dawned on his face. Ryan spotted something else in the other man’s expression, which he couldn’t quite interpret, but chose to ignore it.

“Indeed,” he said. “Sarah McLean. I saw her before. Pretty, quite shy. Doubt he’d be the killer, could be a potential vic though. I’ll go and pick her up.”

“You’ll go?” Esposito asked, a slightly stern tone in his voice. “Alone?”

“Why’s that a problem?” Mason asked back with his trademark smirk. His eyes still didn’t seem to match it though.

“It’s not,” Esposito stated with a short glance in Ryan’s direction. “But it’s still our case, and you don’t think one of us should be around?”

“It’s my case as well, ‘cause your vic was one of my informants,” Mason answered, with a little more tension in his voice this time. “Sarah McLean knows me. Unlike you. I’ll pick her up, get her here and you can talk to her then. Don’t see where the problem is.”

Ryan could feel, could see that Esposito wanted to say more, but decided against it. With a hard expression, he stared back, continued to do so even when Mason had already turned his attention back to the list.

“I’ll be back in a few,” he said before he took the sheet of paper from Beckett and headed down the hallway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters or storylines of 'Castle'. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Thank you so much for the reviews and the kudos!

“Please…”

She stood in front of him, shaking violently, barely able to keep herself upright much longer. With in fear widened eyes, Sarah McLean stared at the man, who had forced his way into her apartment. Of course she had known that sooner or later, he would find her, would show up and take care of her. Actually being confronted with the situation though was an entirely different story.

Her breath came out in frightened spurts, her heart was hammering so hard in her chest that she was sure he could hear it. Something deep within her hoped she could talk to him, could convince him that he didn’t have to do this. He could just leave her alone, and she would never mention it to anyone. She would simply forget about him, about what she knew, about this moment, if he just turned around and left again.

But her rational mind knew she had absolutely no chance, no choice. The cold, almost maniac grin that was plastered across his face said more than a million words. So did the dark muzzle of his gun that was pointed straight at her.

“Please, I’m not gonna tell anyone,” she pleaded anyway. “Just...just let me go. I...I’ll leave the city if you want. Or...or the state. I always wanted to move anyway. No one will ever find out.”

Even the last bit of hope was erased as he shook his head. “Sorry, Sarah, but it’s not gonna work that way.”

And with those words, his finger curled around the trigger. She squeezed her eyes shut just in time as the gunshot echoed through the room. A second later, everything went dark.

\-----------------

He knew he had to stay professional. The case had to be solved. Nothing else mattered. But with every passing word, with every moment he had to spend in the company of Mason, Esposito could feel his dislike for the man increasing. By now, he wasn’t even sure if it was simply caused by jealousy. He was determined to not act on his frustration, because Ryan was too happy about being reunited with this obviously important person from his past.

But the wary feeling stayed as he watched how Mason had left to pick up Sarah McLean. It was still their case, and neither of them was too pleased by someone outside of the 12th getting involved. Especially no one like Mason, so he thought, who wanted to take over the case. As much as he tried to calm down, to try and see whatever the others were seeing in the man, he couldn’t get rid of the thick discomfort deep within him.

He couldn’t deny he wasn’t surprised when Mason eventually called, informing them that he had found Sarah McLean shot in her apartment. The former excitement, caused by the unexpected leads that indicated that maybe they would be able to solve the case, disappeared, was replaced by disappointment and nervousness instead.

Their killer was still out and hunting. When they arrived at the crime scene, Mason was already awaiting them, nothing indicating that he was too upset about the murder of a person he had apparently known. Esposito felt another rush of dislike as he studied the man, taking in his body language, his facial expression, his entire behaviour.

“I found her like that when I arrived,” Mason explained as he led them to the body of the young woman. With huge, empty eyes, Sarah McLean was staring towards the ceiling. An ugly gunshot wound in her forehead left no doubt to how she had been killed. Lanie was kneeling next to her, in silence and concentration doing her job like she always did.

“The bastard who did that escaped through the window. Didn’t see more than his shadow when he hurried down that fire escape,” he added.

“Why didn’t you follow him?” Esposito asked before he could stop himself. Mason’s eyes fixed on him, and something in them made him tense. The detective’s expression had been off before, but this time, there was a spark in those eyes that made him back off a step.

“Well, I was too busy with checking on the injured girl on the floor,” he responded sharply.

“Injured?” Esposito knew keeping his mouth shut would have been the wiser decision. Mason’s eyes narrowed in frustration, like expected. He could also feel Ryan’s attention focused on him, and he didn’t want his partner to think his theory was right. But once again, words escaped him before he could stop them. “Sarah McLean was shot in the head. Even a rookie could see she was dead. You should’ve gone after him. Who knows what he’s gonna do next? She’s his second victim already.”

“So?” Mason stepped closer. Esposito didn’t flinch as he stared back, kept his eyes locked with those of the man in front of him. “You do know that without my help, you’d still be digging in the dark without even the slightest hint of evidence?”

“Of course we do,” Beckett interrupted before Esposito got the chance to reply again. “I think we all agree that this case is nerve-wracking. There’s no need to argue, right? We should focus on the job instead. To stop this guy before he can kill again. You got me?”

Neither of the two men answered though. In fact, they had barely heard her. Attention still focused on each other, they stood and stared, and this time, so Esposito knew, his dislike for Mason was not plainly caused by jealousy. He couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something was wrong with the man, and he didn’t want to either.

“Javi and I will talk to the neighbours, see if someone heard something,” Ryan said then, interrupting his thoughts again. He felt how his arm was grabbed, and instinctively followed his partner. Before he stepped through the front door though, Esposito threw another short glance back at the crime scene. Once again, his eyes met Mason’s, and neither the frustration nor the unspoken warning in them had disappeared yet.

\------------------

Working without decent breaks was exhausting enough. Feeling the pressure of having to find the murderer before he could kill again only made it worse. By the time Ryan managed to make himself a halfway decent mug of coffee, he wanted nothing else but to head home, curling up in bed and not facing anyone again for a couple of hours. For various reasons.

The case wasn’t an evidence-less mess like they had expected. Their killer had already murdered two young women though, and they fairly doubted he would stop. The victims had to be connected in some way, most likely due to their position as informants for the narcotic squad. But their list of potential suspects was long, as both women had been used for different investigations. The case was right there in front of them, yet a solution was so far in the distance.

And then, there was the conflict between Mason and Esposito. Ryan had felt right from the start that his friend had a problem with his ex-partner, despite what the man was trying to make him believe. That the both of them would get this close to an open confrontation though had been unexpected, and definitely a step too far.

The fact that Esposito hadn’t managed to calm down surprised him even more. Usually, his partner would just need to blow off some steam and then would return to normal duty. But this time, the tension had stayed. Ryan didn’t even know if his friend was in fact angry. There seemed to be something else, hidden under the surface, which worried him all the more.

In silence, he drank the warm, deliciously smelling coffee, which had zero effect on him this time, watching his partner as he left his desk and headed for the kitchen himself. Nervousness tickled in the depth of his stomach as he wondered whether or not he should bring up the topic now that they had the chance to talk alone.

The decision was made for him as Esposito entered the room. He looked up only briefly to acknowledge his partner’s presence before he headed straight for the coffee machine. Now there was a tension between them, and Ryan couldn’t accept that.

“What’s wrong with you, man?” he wanted to know. “I get it, you don’t like George. But don’t you think this is going a little too far?”

His partner tensed at his words. Apart from that, he didn’t react or respond right away though. It took him several long moments until he eventually turned around. He needed even longer to actually speak.

“It’s not about not liking him, man,” he said. “I just...I’m sorry, but I don’t trust in him.”

“Why not?” Ryan gave him a disbelieving look. “What did he do to make you believe that?”

“I don’t know.” Esposito sighed. “It’s his entire behaviour. There’s just...something fishy about him.” Once again, he broke the eye contact.

“Oh yeah?” Ryan asked back. “You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t see that you do know very well what the problem is?” When he didn’t get an answer, he added, “Listen, I’m getting tired of this, okay? Either be honest to me or stop behaving like that!”

He could see how his partner tensed again. For another couple of moments, Esposito fought with himself until he groaned in defeat.

“Honestly?” He shook his head. “You wanna know my opinion? I think he’s involved in this.”

As soon as the words were out, he looked away, guilt written all over his face. Ryan stared back at him, unable to reply. In shock, he mentally replayed his best friend’s words, wishing he had misunderstood him.

“What?” he managed to whisper eventually. “How...how can you say that? How can you even think that?”

“I’m sorry, I…” Esposito sighed again. “I know how much he means to you. That he’s been some kind of father figure and mentor for you. But...don’t you think that’s clouding your judgement a bit? I mean… you can’t deny his behaviour is odd. Especially since we found Sarah McLean. How he wanted to go alone, how he reacted to my questions…the whole way he’s acting like he knows more…”

“Are you kidding me?” Ryan hissed back. “Don’t you think your dislike of him is biasing you?! I trust him! I always did. You heard how much he did for me back then. I could always count on him! I know him!”

“Yeah, but...how well?” Esposito asked quietly.

“How well?” Ryan shook his head in growing disbelief. “What you’re accusing him of...it’s like saying you could be a dirty cop. Or Beckett. Or...”

“But has it ever been like that with him?” Esposito interrupted. “You and him...has it ever been like things are between you and me? Have you ever been that close to him? Or have you just admired your mentor from afar?” He stepped closer. “Listen, you think I wanted to believe what they said about Ike?”

“You do remember they were wrong though?” Ryan asked back.

Esposito nodded. “But not about the fact that he lied. That he faked it all. Never thought he could do that to me. And remember what Beckett’s old partner did. She thought she knew him as well, and you know how much he betrayed her. I’m not saying I’m right here, man. Just...don’t idolise him too much. I do have the feeling that not everything’s fine with the man. That’s all. I want to be wrong about this more than you can imagine, trust me.” With those words, he grabbed his mug, muttered a guilty “Sorry” and left the kitchen again.

Ryan remained in the small room for another couple of minutes, mentally replaying his partner’s words. The idea that George could be involved in their case, could probably even have a bigger role in it, was the furthest from his mind. Yet Esposito’s words had seeded doubt.

He believed he knew Mason, had always admired the man, had been grateful for all the time he had invested into training him, into supporting him. He had been thrilled to be reunited with him, but if he was honest to himself, he couldn’t deny things didn’t feel the same anymore. Mason’s formerly sparkling eyes looked darker, almost haunted and obsessive at times. The smile that had never failed to catch everyone’s attention almost seemed fake at times. Of course he could blame the changes on the fact that Mason had seen a lot over the years: the job left marks.

But what if he had changed too much? What if Esposito was right? He had seen how much his partner had struggled with voicing his thoughts, how guilty he had felt about making this step. He doubted he would go that far if he wasn’t convinced by his theory.

But was it possible? Could Mason, his father figure, his mentor, turn into one of those people who wore a badge to cover their crimes? As he left the kitchen, the lump in his throat made breathing difficult. In a dream-like state, he made his way over to where his partners had gathered in front of the whiteboard, his mind spinning in confusion.

What if he already knew that there was a chance Esposito could be right? Because why else was it so easy for him to doubt the man he had always looked up to?

“Hey, there you are, boy!” Mason greeted him then, meeting him halfway to the small group, startling him back to the present. “We just figured out that our vics had connections to two other ladies.”

“That’s...good.” Ryan tried to smile, tried to overplay his hesitation, his confusion. He wanted to curse Esposito for having planted those thoughts in his mind, but at the same time wondered if he could really blame him for them. He had been honest. And honesty seemed to be a problem for far too many people. Probably Mason included.

George nodded. “Yeah, you and your guys will go and check on one of them. I’ll take care of the other girl.”

Just minutes ago, those words wouldn’t have sparked anything. But this time, Ryan tensed. “You wanna go alone again?” he wanted to know. “I could come with you. Like in the old days, remember?”

“Nah, I’m fine.” Mason smiled. Or tried to. “You go with your guys. I don’t need back up, son. You know me, don’t you? Can take care of myself pretty well.”

“Yeah, but...still.” His voice trailed off. He didn’t even know what exactly he wanted to say.

And then, Mason’s expression changed. For only a brief moment, something flickered in his eyes that disappeared as quickly as it had shown up. He smiled again, and this time, said smile left no doubt to being fake.

“Did that partner of yours talk you into this?” Mason asked eventually, lowering his voice. “Listen, whatever he’s been saying about me...I don’t get what his problem is. Maybe he’s jealous. ‘Cause you and I are still getting along so well. You know me, don’t you?”

Ryan nodded slowly. He did. At least so he thought. “Then why don’t you want me to come with you?” he asked.

Mason stared back at him in silence, studying him closely. Seconds that felt like hours passed, and with every single one of them, the doubts increased. “You go with your guys,” he repeated. “I’ll take care of this on my own. Trust me.”

He tried to smile again before he turned around, said a few cheerful words to Beckett and headed straight for the elevator. Ryan watched him until the doors closed behind George, thoughts miles away, and yet right there. Only when he heard the unmistakable sound, he forced himself to focus.

“Hey guys,” he said, grabbing his jacket. “You mind if I go with him? Guess splitting teams makes more sense, right?”

He didn’t wait for an answer as he made his way over to the elevator as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters or storylines of 'Castle'. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.

His heart was racing as he slowly made his way through the apartment building, following Mason on his way upstairs. The more time he had invested into mentally replaying Esposito’s words, the more Ryan realised that he doubted his ex-partner more than he would have ever dared to imagine. He still dearly hoped that he was wrong, but something deep within him had a different opinion.

He could hear the sound of shouting voices even before he had reached the floor in question. Instinctively reaching for his gun, he approached their potential victim’s apartment door. It was no longer locked and, carefully pushing it open, he let himself in. By the time he reached the living room, there was no doubt left to Esposito’s theory anymore.

He froze in place at the sight in front of him. Right there, not more than a couple of feet away, stood Mason, a gun pointed straight to the young woman’s head. She was pleading with him, but nothing in Mason’s expression indicated that he was affected by her crying and begging in any way.

He had changed. For whatever reason. And had turned into one of those people he had been after once. In shock and disbelief, Ryan stared at the scene in front of him, unable to understand, unwilling to believe that his partner had truly been right.

And then, realisation hit him with full force. His ex-partner, his mentor, was a criminal. A murderer. And he had used them for his own plan. They had willingly provided the information he had needed to find his victims, and according to his behaviour, he hadn’t felt guilty for even a single second. The man, who had once been something like a father figure for him, had betrayed him in the worst way he could think of.

Unable to move, unable to react, Ryan stared at his old friend, a wild storm of emotions forming deep within him. He was shocked. Disappointed. Angry. And on top of that, he was hurting, realising once again that every person was able to betray even people they had cared for. If they had done so in the first place.

But then, the cop inside him kicked in again. The girl was still pleading, and it almost seemed like Mason was enjoying the show as he studied her with a grin, weapon pointed right at her head. His hand tightened more firmly around his own gun as he inched closer.

“Please!” the girl exclaimed once more. “I...please, you don’t have to do this. I know what you did to the others and...you can be sure I won’t say anything…You don’t have to do this!”

“No, you don’t,” Ryan forced himself to say, stepping out of his hiding place. Everything inside him was fighting against pointing his gun at his ex-partner, even more as their eyes met, but if he had learned something over the years, it was how to control himself. He saw the surprise in Mason’s eyes, along with shock. He could almost see the thoughts that were running through the man’s mind as he tried to come up with a way to talk himself out of the situation. Eventually, he gave up and shrugged.

“Told you not to come with me,” he said quietly. “You should’ve just listened.”

“I should’ve just listened?” Ryan repeated in disbelief. “Are you...kidding me? You…” His voice trailed off. He still felt like he was trapped in a strange nightmare and desperately wanted to wake up. Speaking out that his mentor was a murderer was nothing he wanted to do, although it was clearly the truth.

“What have you turned into?” he managed to whisper then, forcing his hands not to shake as he spoke and tried to handle the emotional pain that was threatening to overwhelm him. The young woman, still with the gun pointed at her, stood and stared with huge eyes, so scared, so unsure about what would happen to her.

Mason didn’t answer right away. Sighing deeply, he shook his head. Despite the fact he was caught, by his ex-partner of all people, nothing in his eyes gave away that he felt the slightest bit guilty. In fact, there was barely anything to see, except something weirdly obsessed.

“I think that’s the price you gotta pay for the job,” he answered then. “It changes you. All of us.”

“What?” With every word that left Mason’s lips, Ryan felt the urge to stop questioning him, unwilling to hear the excuses that would destroy the image he had of the man even more. But the questions were still there, spinning in his mind, and he couldn’t prevent them from coming out. “You...seriously wanna excuse what you did like that? You’re a killer! You killed innocent women for...whatever reason.”

“I had no choice,” Mason stated.

“No, you hadn’t?” Ryan’s hand grasped his gun even more firmly as he could feel rage slowly joining the paralysing disappointment that came with betrayal. “What did they do, huh? Have you been involved in some criminal business and your informants figured it out? Did they threaten to reveal what they knew? Is that why you killed them? To save your own sorry ass?”

At those words, Mason’s facade broke. His face darkened. “Sorry, son,” he said coldly. “But while you might be good at what you’re doing now, you have no idea what you’re talking about. How long have you been undercover? For a little over a year? Felt long to you, right? It’s nothing compared to what I had to do for the NYPD. I did this for years. For years, you hear me? Don’t you think that if you pretend to be a certain kind of person, you start to become like him somewhere along the line? You have to make sure your story doesn’t get uncovered. Means you gotta be that man. That criminal. You do what they do. You start taking that shit they sell. And somewhere along the line, that alias has replaced the person you’ve been before you joined the squad. It’s nothing you can understand though, ‘cause you got out long time before the job could destroy your real personality. So don’t judge anything you don’t understand.”

And for a moment, Ryan was indeed unable to respond. During the past couple of years, he had been confronted with cops that had turned to the wrong side of the law. All of them excused their actions with the experiences they had made during the job. He himself wasn’t as long in the business as them, and was hesitant to judge. If he had done what Mason had to do for so many years, would he have drifted into the wrong direction as well? Could he really claim that he would react any differently under the same circumstances?

But then, his thoughts wandered further. Mason was the definition of a bad example, but he had other ones that had made different choices. Beckett had to go through a painful experience as a young girl, which was affecting her even now, so many years later. Yet, she hadn’t broken the law to solve the case. Esposito had seen even worse, had suffered from serious post traumatic stress disorder, hadn’t had an easy childhood either. But still, his best friend had turned into one of the city’s best detectives. Neither of those two had even considered the road Mason had chosen.

This knowledge provided a new rush of confidence, along with a strong warmth he felt towards his two partners, who not only were good examples, but whom he could completely rely on. Unlike his old mentor.

“You’re right, I can’t judge what it’s like to be in your shoes,” he stated. “But that doesn’t change anything. You killed two people. You were just about to kill another one. Not to speak of what you did that brought you and them into this situation in the first place. Put the gun down. Now.”

Not even flinching, Mason shook his head. “Sorry, son, I’m not gonna do that,” he said. “I’m gonna go out of here, and you’re not gonna do anything about it. ‘Cause I doubt you wanna pull that trigger on me.”

“He doesn’t have to,” an all too familiar voice behind Ryan answered. He needed all his self control not to spin around and instead to wait until Esposito appeared in the corner of his eyes. A rush of relief filled him at the presence of his partner, and for a moment, the dull pain, caused by Mason’s betrayal, disappeared. He might not have known his mentor as good as he thought, but his partner was as determined to back him up as ever.

“Ah, I knew you were behind this.” Mason grinned coldly. “Detective Esposito. Tell me, did you really doubt my story right from the start, or was it your jealousy that made you dislike me?”

Esposito didn’t answer. As calmly as ever, he stood with his gun directed at Mason, ready to fire if he had to.

“Put the gun down, George,” Ryan said as he turned his attention back to his ex-partner. “Don’t make this more complicated than it is already. You killed those women. We’re gonna find you anyway…”

“And how?” Mason interrupted. “You think I’m stupid enough to use my own gun? That I’d use my real name? That I’d stay in the city? You should know me better.”

It was this statement that brought back the pain within an instant. The cold flash of disappointment made him tense as he said, “I thought I knew you, yeah. Looks like I was wrong.”

Mason smiled, and for the first time during the past minutes, he almost seemed to feel sorry. “You know,” he replied. “I am who I am. But I never meanted to do this to you. To disappoint you.”

“Disappoint me?” Ryan snapped. “You didn’t just disappoint me! You betrayed my trust. You used us to find your other victims. To make sure that we wouldn’t figure out it’s been you. I’m not just disappointed. I...don’t know if I ever really knew you. If you ever truly cared.” He took a deep breath, swallowing down his emotions to prevent his voice from shaking. “Put the gun down. Don’t force me to shoot you.”

“You won’t shoot me,” Mason stated. To emphasize his words, he closed his finger more firmly around the trigger, ignoring the frightened gasp that escaped his potential victim.

“Don’t be so sure about that,” Ryan hissed back, dearly hoping that he wasn’t showing how much he truly hoped not having to make this step.

“Oh, I am sure. You’re not like that.” Mason’s grin widened as his expression turned maniac again. “Remember who I am.”

With those words, he turned his gun away from the young woman and instead pointed it in Esposito’s direction. Before his partner got a chance to react though, he pulled the trigger himself. The bullet hit Mason right into the chest. No noise left the man’s lips as he fell backwards, dropping his gun in the process. Ryan didn’t hear the young woman’s scream, didn’t see how Esposito hurried over to George, as he stared at what he had done.

The next few minutes seemed to pass in slow motion. Unable to move, to speak or to react in any way, he stood and stared. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that Beckett and Castle arrived, along with more back up. He could hear their voices, knew that some of those spoken words were directed at him, but couldn’t make out what exactly was said. Trapped inside himself, feeling paralysed in shock, he refused to believe that the recent events had really taken place, yet knew that he couldn’t run from reality. He wanted to hide in the fog that seemed to surround him and gained him some distance between himself and the people in the room, but knew he wasn’t allowed to as a familiar face appeared in front of him.

“Are you okay?” Esposito asked, being the first and only one who managed to get through to him.

Forcing himself to focus on his friend, he asked, “Is he…”

Esposito tensed. “Yeah,” he said after a second of hesitation. “I’m sorry, man.”

Ryan closed his eyes for a moment before he shook his head. “Don’t be,” he stated. With those words, he handed his gun over to his partner, and wordlessly turned away from him, away from the other cops in the room, away from the person who had betrayed his trust.

Ryan knew he would have questions to answer. He knew that Esposito would come looking for him sooner or later. But he needed a few moments for himself, to think, to clear his mind. Even if he didn’t know how he was supposed to do that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters or storylines of 'Castle'. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: I'd like to say thank you so much again for reviewing, and for the kudos! :)

Castle couldn't deny that when he had talked his way into the 12th precinct, he had expected fun, interesting cases which would spark his muse and inspire him for a new series of books. Apart from that, he would see first-hand what it was like to work with cops, how exactly they solved their cases, and maybe he would even be involved in some old school suspect chases, raised guns and safety vests included.

Years later, Castle had learned on more than one occasion that what he had gotten himself into had nothing to do with a cool, exciting adventure. There had been those cases he had been looking for: those with unexpected twists that would allow him to witness what a good, talented cop Beckett really was. He had been heavily involved, and was still secretly proud that he had saved the city with a bold action, thanks to a major rush of adrenaline.

But he had also gotten to see the other side of the job. There would be the relatives of their victims, who needed to be comforted. Horrible motives that even made him shudder would be exposed. Murderers would escape and get away without their well-deserved punishment. Personal backgrounds of his new partners would be revealed, along with the pain that came with them. And sometimes, cases would get personal, would affect them all.

Castle couldn't deny he hadn't been prepared for those moments in the beginning. Now, years later, he treasured them more than all those expertly solved cases. Because those moments were the ones that had helped him to become part of this odd, little family. Coming to the precinct was no longer about inspiration and work. Instead, it felt like coming home, in a very strange but somehow natural way. This was where he belonged, obviously.

A sigh escaped him without his notice as he sat heavily in the chair next to Beckett's desk, waiting, although he didn't even know what exactly he was waiting for. The tension in the air was so thick that it could be cut with a butter knife, and caused a lump in his throat. The shock that had come with the realisation that Detective George Mason had betrayed them all was still existent, but not the main reason for his steadily increasing discomfort.

They had all been questioned by Internal Affairs shortly after returning to the precinct. Except Ryan, who had left the young woman's apartment before anyone had gotten a chance to talk to him, leaving behind nothing else but his gun. Lifting his head, Castle let his eyes wander across the room. Beckett and Captain Montgomery had left a few minutes ago for their own interrogation, and most likely were keeping their interviewer busy until their partner returned.

His gaze travelled to Esposito, who was sitting at his desk, seemingly staring at his computer screen. As he looked more closely though, Castle could see the blank expression in the detective's eyes. He was miles away with his thoughts, and certainly not doing what he was supposed to do.

Another sigh left Castle's lips. This group of people, these cops, were his family, and he disliked the thought of being useless at the moment. He wanted to give something back, for all the times they had put up with him, because even he knew he was crossing the line at times with his theories and actions. He had done what he could though. Now, he could only rely on the features that came with being him.

No longer willing to wait, he got up from his seat and crossed the room. He hesitated for a moment before he grabbed another chair and dragged it over to Esposito's desk.

“Aren't you supposed to track down Ryan's phone?” he decided to ask, knowing that small talk certainly wouldn't get him anywhere.

“What do you think I'm doing, huh?” Esposito asked back, not even bothering to look up.

Leaning in a bit further, Castle whispered, “We both know that's not what you're doing.” The look he received in response made him back off immediately.

“Castle, seriously, I'm not in the mood for that crap right now,” Esposito replied sharply.

“I'm not here to tease.” He raised his hands in defence. “I might be an idiot at times, but I'm not that stupid, okay?” He paused. “Honestly, shouldn't we try to find him? Beckett and Montgomery can't keep that guy busy forever.”

“Well, then try to find him if you wanna do it so badly,” Esposito stated.

“But aren't you worried?” Castle wanted to know.

“'Cause he might do something stupid?” Esposito asked back. “No. Definitely not. Am I worried about what this might do to him though? Yeah. Absolutely. And that's exactly why I'm not gonna track him down and drag him back in here.” It was his turn to sigh. “Castle...you've been working with us for years. You know how a cop's mind works. We feel responsible, even if we're not. And we need each other. If you, being an inexperienced rookie, meet someone who's willing to take you under their wing, to show you how to keep on swimming, you won't ever forget that person. Imagine what happens when you find out years later that this man is a killer. That he used you for his crimes. That he betrayed your trust. Can you imagine what that does to you?”

Castle nodded slowly. “And yet it's not just about the betrayal.”

“No.” Esposito shook his head, the expression in his eyes changing, darkening. “'Cause despite what Mason did, he's still been that father figure for Ryan, too. Imagine what it's like to shoot your mentor. To protect someone else.”

“You do know it's not your fault though, right?” Castle said. “That he had to shoot Mason. You aren't to blame for that.”

“Doesn't matter,” Esposito stated. “The least I can do right now is allowing him to get the distance to us and to this damn case that he needs.”

Castle nodded again. He wanted to say more, wanted to voice all those thoughts that were spinning in his mind, but he knew when he was supposed to keep his mouth shut. The man in front of him wasn't just worried because of what his best friend was going through at the moment, and because of the twists and turns their case had taken during the past couple of hours. He was hurting himself, in a way that clearly showed again how close the connection between those two detectives really was.

Before he got a chance to come up with anything else to say though, he was distracted by the sound of the elevator doors. A relieved smile lit his face as Ryan stepped out of it, slowly making his way over to where they were sitting. His eyes darted back to Esposito, to see that the man reacted exactly the way he had expected him to. He sat up straight instantly, his facial expression changing once again. Castle was convinced he was barely able to prevent himself from jumping up, but self control helped him to stay where he was.

“Welcome back.” Castle offered a warm smile along with his greeting. Seeing the younger man like that was painful, and he could only imagine which effect the sight had on the detective next to him. He was pale, the usual smirk and happy sparks in his eyes had disappeared. Pain and exhaustion were radiating from him in an overwhelming way that caused the lump in Castle's throat to return.

“Internal Affairs' here already, right?” Ryan asked, his voice so quiet they could barely hear him. Instinctively, Castle studied him more closely. Even he, as a non-professional, could tell that his friend was still in a state of shock. Most likely, that was also the reason why he couldn't find any evidence that indicated he had shed even a single tear yet. The breakdown would come eventually, so he knew, and he hoped someone would be around to catch their partner as soon as he fell.

“Beckett and Montgomery are talking to the guy right now,” Esposito answered, finally getting up from his chair. “You...uh...are you sure you wanna talk to him yet? I'm sure...”

“It's fine,” Ryan interrupted him. “Doubt the questions get any nicer the longer I wait. In which room is he?”

Castle could feel how much Esposito struggled with himself as he stood in front of his partner, so desperately wanting to act, but not knowing if anything he could provide would be helpful in any way.

“Fíne,” he said eventually. “Let's get it over and done with.”

With those words, he led his friend to the interrogation room in question, both men fighting with their self control, in different ways. Barely aware of his own actions, Castle followed them, too trapped in the thick, heavy tension to focus on anything else.

\----------------------

As he stood in the small room from where he had witnessed numerous interrogations before, Castle wondered how much longer Ryan would stay as calm and collected as he did at the moment. He couldn't tell whether it was still shock or a simply impressive amount of self control that prevented him from breaking down, from letting out all those emotions that had to be bubbling somewhere deep within him.

Montgomery had joined the interrogation, to jump in if needed. So far, he hadn't needed so say a single word though. No accusations had been made yet during either of the team's interviews , despite the identity of the killed murderer, which didn't do much to make them any more bearable.

“So you decided to followed Detective Mason because you believed his wish to go on his own again was suspicious after Detective Esposito voiced his doubts?” the interrogator asked. As he received a wordless nod, he continued, “What happened then?”

“When I entered Amanda Smith's apartment, I found her in the living room with Detective Mason. He had his gun pointed to her head.” Mechanically, Ryan explained what had happened in the following minutes, how Mason had refused to put the gun down, had admitted his crimes in front of the detective and the young woman.

“You eventually decided to shoot Detective Mason,” the interviewer stated.

“That's correct,” Ryan answered without a flinch. “He made clear that he wasn't going to put the gun down. His finger closed around the trigger, and then he pointed the weapon at my partner. I fired one shot, hit him in the chest.” His voice trailed off as he gritted his teeth, temporarily breaking eye contact with the man in front of him.

Castle's eyes travelled to Esposito, standing next to him in the small room. Beckett had left a minute ago, tired like all of them, muttering something about having to write her report. She had tried to talk them into leaving as well, but had been firmly ignored by her fellow detective.

As he studied his friend, Castle was almost sure Esposito didn't even know the writer hadn't left as well. His entire attention was focused on the sight in front of him. What caught Castle interest the most though was what he could see in the other man's eyes. He was staring ahead with an intensity that seemed to have the ability to break the glass that separated them from the interrogation room. That he cared was no surprise to Castle. How much was a different story though. It was one of those moments in which the writer wondered how close the bond between his two friends really was.

“It's weird, isn't it?” Esposito said then, interrupting Castle in his thoughts. Unexpectedly realising that the other man was indeed aware of his presence, he needed a moment to understand the question had been directed at him.

“What exactly?” he asked.

“He's just doing his job,” Esposito answered, not even for a second tearing his eyes away from the scene in front of him. “Like us. We'll go in there with a suspect, or anyone else who we gotta ask questions, and we interrogate them. We just do our job and think it's okay. But then the tables turn, and when you're on the other side of it...you can't help but think 'Doesn't the idiot see that it's bad enough already without all the idiotic questions? Can't he just shut the hell up?'.” Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, releasing a sigh as he let the air escape again.

“Yeah.” Castle nodded slowly in agreement. He hesitated, unsure if he was supposed to respond or to stay quiet and listen. “This is affecting you a lot, isn't it?” he decided to ask eventually. “And not just because you feel responsible.”

“Of course not. He's my best friend,” Esposito replied firmly. Shaking his head, he added, “I'm afraid of what this is gonna do to him.”

“He's not alone in it,” Castle said.

“Oh yeah?” Esposito asked back. “What if he doesn't trust in us anymore either, huh? That guy...he was like a father to him. He trusted in Mason. Who says that I, Beckett or even you won't do the same to him? That we won't hurt him as well? He didn't think Mason would turn out like that, yet it did happen. Who guarantees him that we won't turn into something like that as well?”

“Because it's not the same,” Castle answered calmly. “You and I both know that. Look at the both of you. It's an entirely different dynamic. Mason was his mentor. He taught him stuff, he trained him. They're like Beckett and Royce. They worked together, they cared for each other. But then, they moved into different directions. They didn't even talk to each other for years. Now look at the both of you. You're more than partners. You're even more than...” His voice trailed off as he realised what he had been about to say. The look he received in response didn't encourage him to keep going either.

“More than what?” Esposito snapped.

“Never mind,” Castle replied quickly, unwilling to start an argument. Now was not the right moment to discuss what he believed was definitely more than just friendship. At least from one side of the duo, although he was quite convinced the feelings were mutual. “What I'm trying to say is that you two are friends. Best friends even. You have an entirely different connection. I mean, look at Beckett. When Royce betrayed her...did she turn her back on us? No.”

“But Royce betrayed us because of a treasure, not to find his next victims through us. And she didn't have to kill him either,” Esposito said.

Castle nodded. “Yeah, maybe, but betrayal is betrayal. Doesn't matter what else happened.” He offered an encouraging smile. “It's a rough time for him right now, and he'll need a friend by his side. You'll be the one who'll give him what he needs.” He wanted to add more but was interrupted as the door to their small room was opened. His eyebrows raised in confusion as Ryan joined them. Neither of them had realised that the interrogation had ended already. That didn't change their friend's appearance though. Still pale and unnaturally calm, he stood in front of them, barely able to make eye contact.

“Are you okay?” Esposito asked.

Still mechanically, Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I'm fine. They said the case's clear. No further investigations needed.” He stared at the floor for another moment before he added, “I'm tired. Guess I'm gonna go home.”

“Want me to drive?” Esposito asked, but Ryan shook his head.

“Nah, thanks. A cab will do just fine.” He tried to offer a smile, but failed. “I'll see you guys tomorrow.”

With those words, he almost fled out of the small room. Castle felt a slight rush of discomfort as his eyes met Esposito's again.

“You wanna say anything?” he asked in a warning tone.

“Well, glare at me as much as you like, I'm sticking with my opinion,” Castle answered honestly. “Give him time to think. Go home. He'll show up at your door sooner than you think.”

“Oh, are we psychic now, Castle?”

The writer smiled. “No. I just know the two of you. Better than you think.”

Esposito didn't reply. Castle didn't expect him to. He knew that Ryan would show up at his friend's place sooner or later. Because if anyone had ever found home in the presence of another person, it was those two.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters or storylines of 'Castle'. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Thank you so much for the lovely comments again! :)

By the time Beckett could eventually curl up on Castle's living room couch, she felt like a burden had been taken off her shoulders, yet a thick lump was still stuck in her throat. Hours ago, when she had stood at the crime scene, realising that the rain had washed away most of the evidence, that the killer had made sure they wouldn't find any bullets or fingerprints either, she had dearly wished for any hint that could lead them into the right direction.

Now, she almost wished the case had stayed complicated, even if they hadn't been able to solve it. At least then they wouldn't have had to deal with those twists and turns said case had taken. Wrapping the blanket more firmly around herself, she sank deeper into the cushions of the couch. The case was closed, but certainly not in the way she had wanted it to.

Beckett was convinced that every single cop had met at least one person in their past who had given the rookie they all had once been the needed push into the right direction. Those mentors would never be forgotten, and even if friendships rarely ever developed between teachers and students, they would always been looked at with pride and honour.

Even worse was the moment when said mentor turned out to be so different to the mental image the former rookie had carried in their heart for so long. Beckett hadn't forgotten what she had felt like the moment she had realised that Royce had lied right into her face, had used her for his plan, despite feeling sorry afterwards.

But at least Royce hadn't turned out to be a murderer. At least she hadn't had to shoot the person whom she had admired once. Closing her eyes, she took slow, steady breaths to stay focused. The memories of Royce, and what had eventually happened to him, still hurt, but she wasn't willing to drag them back to the surface.

Fortunately, Internal Affairs hadn't investigated more than necessary, hadn't dared to bring up accusations, and even if those had been made, Captain Montgomery would have jumped in, ready to defend his team like a lioness her cubs.

Which didn't change much. She knew Ryan would need real support sooner or later, even if he had avoided them, shell shocked as he had been. Beckett also knew that neither she nor Castle could provide what he needed the most, and so she had backed off, had done what she was best as: investigate.

Now, hours later, she was exhausted to the point where she seemed to be working on autopilot, barely able to keep herself upright and awake for much longer. Snuggled into blanket and cushions, she listened to the soothing sound of Castle working in his kitchen, to his soft footsteps as he returned to her. She looked up briefly with a grateful smile as he handed a mug of steaming hot tea to her.

“No coffee?” she asked.

Shaking his head, her boyfriend joined her on the couch. “No. I guess what we need now is sleep, not being hyped up.” He inched closer until she could lean against his side. Instantly, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, holding her close. A strong warmth filled her at the sensation, and once again, she found herself wondering why she had needed so long to be honest to Castle, why she had been so afraid to admit her feelings to him. She had done so eventually, as the relief of having solved her mother's case had overwhelmed her, had hyped her up more than even the strongest coffee could. But she knew very well how many months she had wasted with watching him from afar, desperately wishing herself into his arms and yet not daring to make the necessary steps.

“Are you okay?” Castle asked then, breaking the comfortable silence and dragging her mind back to the presence.

“I'm not the one who's had to find out that their mentor is a killer,” Beckett stated quietly. She released a deep sigh, leaning heavily into her boyfriend. “It's just painful, you know? The job's hard enough the way it is. We don't need to be slapped into the face over and over again by things like this. Trust...it's hard to gain and even harder to give, and when it's betrayed in a way like that...it happens a few times too often, and you won't let anyone close to you ever again.”

She could feel how he nodded. “Yeah. But don't worry too much, Kate. Ryan still has Esposito, and he certainly won't ever betray his trust. He loves him way too much.”

“Yeah,” Beckett agreed quietly. If there was a pair that could completely, blindly rely on each other, it was those two. Fortunately, she had found such a someone as well by now, even though she hadn't expected her soulmate to show up in the person of a bestselling author.

“What have you been working on by the way?” Castle asked then. “Before we went home. You've been working on something, and that was surely not just your report.”

Not the slightest bit surprised that he would bring up this topic, she chose not to argue with him, or come up with excuses for what she had done. “I'm investigating,” she answered. “Against those guys that were responsible for Mason. You can't tell me they had no idea he was drifting off into the wrong direction. They shouldn't just get away with this.”

“That's what I was thinking. Always out there, hunting for justice.” Gently, Castle squeezed her shoulder. “You really think that's gonna help though?”

Looking up at him, Beckett shrugged. “I don't know. But I do know that Ryan won't let either you or me help him with this. He won't talk to us about it. That's what he got Esposito for. But I still wanna do something, because I know what it's like. He might have had to stop the man, but he's not always been the cold killer. Mason was a good guy once. The one who took a young cop under his wings and taught him how to handle the job. That doesn't excuse what he did, but maybe things wouldn't have gone that far if someone had stepped in earlier. If someone had helped Mason to get out before he drifted off into the wrong direction. Those guys just leaned back and watched. I want them to pay for that, not wiggle their way out of their responsibilities.”

Castle responded with a warm smile. “That's the Kate I know,” he said softly. “And I admire you for that. So if you need a helping hand...”

“I know where I can find it.” She winked at him. Then, she settled back into her former position, enjoying the way he held her close again. And slowly, ever so slowly, she could feel the tension of the day fading away, being replaced with something a lot more enjoyable.

\-----------------------

He had arrived at home an hour ago, more than unwillingly. Esposito didn't believe Castle knew Ryan good enough to judge what was best for his partner. He had wanted to go looking for him instead, to see if he was doing okay. Yet something had held him back, because he couldn't help the feeling that he could scare his friend off even more.

Seeing him shell shocked, unable to act and react more than necessary, trapped in whatever surreal bubble he had been in, had been painful enough. He had acted mechanically like a machine, and had almost fled out of the precinct afterwards. The instinct to go and run after him, to just grab him and hold him tight, had been close to overwhelming. Eventually, it had indeed been the writer who had held Esposito back, because even though one could say a lot about Rick Castle, the man's logic often made sense.

And so, he had headed home, was pacing through his apartment for the past hour, and dearly hoped he could come up with a decent idea for what to do. They had been facing rough situations before, had needed each other's comfort. After all, so he believed, there was a reason why he had fallen in love with the man. Such a close connection could do that to people.

But never before, he had seen his friend like that: so broken, so out of balance, so different to the person he usually was. Esposito felt responsible, for various reasons. The fact that his partner had shot Mason to protect him was only one of them. Ryan had brightened up his day so many times before, when Esposito's own mood had been close to hitting the bottom. He had invested hour after hour into listening to all those endlessly long stories he had to tell, about the horrors he had experienced as a soldier, about the nightmares that would sometimes haunt him at night. Whenever he had been close to snapping, Ryan had given him the needed kick to focus again. He provided a unique kind of balance and safety that Esposito had never experienced before, and he was more than eager to give something back for everything he had received during the past couple of years.

If he knew what to do. Shaking his head at himself, he stopped in the middle of his living room, once again struggling with the urge to bolt out of his apartment and go looking for his friend. Just as he wondered if he would have to keep on pacing and staying awake all night long, a knocking against his front door echoed through his apartment, causing him to freeze in place. It took him several long seconds to realise he hadn't imagined the sound. In a hurry, he made his way over to the door and firmly pulled it open, his heart jumping in his chest as he found himself facing his partner.

Ryan looked as exhausted as he had earlier at the precinct, but still something had changed. The surrounding wall that was supposed to keep everyone else out seemed to be cracking slowly but steadily.

“Sorry,” he said then, his voice not more than a whisper. “I didn't know where else to go.”

It was one single spoken sentence, but those words were enough. Feeling an almost overwhelming warmth and love for the man in front of him, Esposito knew that his instinct would tell him what he was supposed to do, as long as he listened. Stepping aside, he signalled Ryan to come in, who followed the invitation willingly.

Gently, he guided him into the living room, made him sit on the couch. Esposito wanted to ask if there was anything he could do as he joined him, but decided to stay quiet. His friend had found his way home, like Castle had predicted. On his own. He wouldn't need pushing, wouldn't need encouragement to open up.

He didn't know for how long they sat in silence, Esposito watching Ryan closely as he stared ahead at nothing in particular. He could see the blank expression slowly disappearing, being replaced by a wild mix of emotions. Patiently, he waited, giving his friend the space he needed to start talking on his own. And he did.

“You were right, you know?” he said quietly. “That my judgement was clouded. George's behaviour...was off all the time. He wasn't like the guy I used to know, but I didn't want to see it like that. I tried to tell myself that we've all changed with the years. I didn't want to believe that...”

“Understandable,” Esposito replied. “Ask me. Ask Beckett. We all understand that just fine.”

Ryan didn't respond. Once again, he stared at the floor, motionlessly, and for a moment, his thoughts seemed to have drifted off again. “He betrayed me,” he whispered then. “He pretended that things were still the same between us. Told all the nice stories from the past. Just because he wanted us to help him with finding his next victims. To make sure we wouldn't figure out it was him. I bet he already had the perfect scapegoat for us.” He paused. “We helped him to find Sarah McLean. We helped him to kill her.”

“We didn't know what he was up to though,” Esposito interrupted before he could go further down this route. “No one did. He was a professional. He knew exactly what he was doing. Remember how many years he spent with playing roles.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Ryan shook his head. “You know what sucks? That I can't say I wouldn't have turned out that way as well. If I had spent so many years undercover...who says I wouldn't have become like that, too?”

“You wouldn't have turned out like him,” Esposito assured him.

“How can you be so sure?” Ryan wanted to know.

Esposito shrugged. “I just do. But does it really matter?” He sighed. “See...I understand you. I really do. But you gotta stop asking all those 'what if' questions. I know they give us the feeling to be in control. What if we had done this? Could we have stopped him? The answer is easy. No, there's nothing we could've done. We're not in control, no matter how much we hate to admit that. The only ones we can control are ourselves. This guy...yeah, he went through a lot, no doubts about that. But there's nothing you could've done to prevent him from turning into a killer. From making things turn out any differently. It's hard, and I know it's hurting. It's hurting like shit. But that's perfectly okay. You have all rights to feel that way.”

Ryan nodded slowly. Another minute of silence followed before he said, “He betrayed me. I was so happy to see him again. I was so proud. And then he just betrayed me like that. I...I had to kill him. I had to kill my mentor. The guy who I have admired for so many years.”

“Yeah,” Esposito replied quietly. “That hurts, doesn't it? You don't think you should let that out finally?”

He had to wait another moment. Then, the wall broke down. His heart shattered into pieces as he saw how the first tears started to fall, and his friend eventually unleashed the emotions and pain he had been holding back during the past couple of hours. Hesitation kicked in again, but this time, he ignored the feeling. Reaching out, he wrapped an arm around Ryan's shoulders and pulled him closer. His friend didn't back off, didn't even tense. Instead, his arms wrapped around Esposito's waist in a tight embrace as he leaned heavily into him, finally accepting the comfort he needed so much. He held him as close as humanly possible, soothingly running a hand up and down his partner's back.

This time, fighting down his own emotions was almost hilariously easy. Esposito could feel the warmth of love in the depth of his heart that was getting stronger with every single day. But said love was also responsible for his determination to be the best friend Ryan needed and deserved right now. He would make sure his partner would understand that there was at least one person he could trust. No matter what he had to do for that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Many thanks for the lovely comments and kudos! :)

He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping, or when he had fallen asleep in the first place. Exhaustion had eventually taken over after the emotions had finally broken through the wall that had created itself around him. He hadn’t wanted to cry, but the tears had cleared his mind and had lifted the strange, thick fog that had made his world appear so surreal.

As he slowly awoke from his deep, dreamless slumber, he realised the past hours were nothing else but faint memories in the back of his mind. He knew he had been running around the streets, aimlessly and confused, trying to get a hold on the recent events, unwilling to accept what Mason had really turned into.

He didn’t remember how long it had taken until he had shown up at the precinct, what exactly he had been asked by Internal Affairs, and what he had answered in return. He had experienced those moments like a sleepwalker, keeping a safe distance between himself and what had been going on.

Unfortunately, same couldn’t be said about the events that had led to this investigation and those feelings in the first place. He could remember every second of his confrontation with Mason, until the moment he had to stop his mentor.

Despite his confusion and shock, he had noticed that his friends had wanted to reach out to him. Just the plain idea of being asked questions, or even how he was feeling, had scared him off enough to flee after his interrogation. Once again, he had wandered around the city without a clear goal, until he had ended up at his apartment.

But Ryan hadn’t managed to stay there for longer than a couple of minutes either. The quiet and loneliness in there had been even less bearable than the presence of his friends. He had needed his space, but being entirely on his own had definitely been too much. He had decided to flee again, blindly following the inner voice that had been urging him on, until he had found himself in front of yet another apartment door. And this time, so he had believed, he had found where he was supposed to be. Home.

Yawning lightly, he moved carefully to stretch, just to realise he didn’t have as much space on the surface he was lying on as he needed. He shifted slightly, trying to roll onto his back, just to feel another resistance that prevented him from getting anywhere. Blinking a few times, he tried to focus his eyes, which were still aching from the amount of tears he had cried.

The longer he was awake, the more at least the events that had taken place after he had arrived at Esposito’s place came back into focus. He couldn’t help a slight rush of embarrassment as he remembered how he had broken down, how his friend had to hold him close while he had unleashed the emotions that had been hidden deep within him and had demanded release.

The embarrassment quickly faded away again though. He knew there was no need for such a feeling, and this knowledge alone was enough to make him stop. Turning to Esposito had seemed to be the only right thing to do, and not for a single second, he had regretted his choice. His trust had been betrayed, in the worst possible way his mentor could have chosen, but he knew there would always be one person whom he could entirely rely on. No matter what. Because even in his spinning mind, he had noticed that his partner had been right by his side when Mason had admitted his crimes, had allowed him the distance he had needed instead of dragging him back to the precinct like everyone else would have.

Ever so slowly, his surrounding world came back into focus. Ryan noticed the familiar walls of the room where he had spent so many evenings in before. He could feel he was lying on a couch: another familiar object. And then, as his eyes opened completely, he found himself gazing right up at his partner, who was watching him closely. He was surprised by the rush of relief he felt at the sight, and how it pushed aside the other feelings that were threatening to surface. Pain and disappointment would return, so he knew, but the fewer he experienced of those emotions the better.

“Hey, sleeping beauty,” Esposito greeted him with a good-natured smirk that didn’t exactly match the expression in his eyes. “You had sweet dreams?”

Ryan resisted to roll his eyes in response and instead asked, “How long have I been asleep?”

Esposito shrugged. “An hour maybe.”

“Oh.” Ryan could feel his cheeks heating up softly in new rising embarrassment at the fact that he had obviously cried himself to sleep. Like a child, he couldn’t help but think. “And, uh...you’ve been watching me all the time? That’s kinda creepy, man,” he added quickly to overplay his discomfort.

“Hey, someone had to make sure you wouldn’t suddenly do something silly,” Esposito playfully defended himself. For a brief moment, Ryan believed his friend looked slightly embarrassed himself, but before he could ask about that, he added, “You’re feeling any better yet?”

He shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t know. My mind’s still spinning. I don’t know what to think, really. But at least I don’t feel like I’m trapped in a creepy nightmare any longer.” He paused, his face reddening a bit more as he continued, “Thanks by the way. For taking me in, letting me get it off my chest and all.”

“It’s what friends do, right?” He received a warm smile in response, which wasn’t nearly as intense as what he could see in his partner’s eyes again. “You should catch some real sleep though. Not just an hour on my couch. You want me to take you home?”

Although the proposal made sense and should have been expected, he couldn’t deny he hadn’t been prepared for it, and didn’t like it either. The thought of going back to his own empty, quiet apartment made Ryan shudder. He felt the strong urge to admit that he felt more at home at his partner’s place than he would at his own, but didn’t dare to translate his thoughts into words. Instead, he stared up at the man in front of him, trying to come up with a decent reply, but failing at forming even a proper thought.

“If you don’t wanna go home, just say it,” Esposito added then, interrupting his thoughts, which seemed to be turning in circles again. At Ryan’s surprised look, he said, “You can stay here for the night if you like. It’s not a problem at all.”

“You’ve already done enough for me tonight, don’t you think?” Ryan couldn’t help but ask back, struggling at accepting the offer he was longing for so much. “You don’t have to offer your couch to me.”

“I wasn’t going to do that,” Esposito stated. “You’re gonna sleep in the bed, I’ll take the couch. You need some decent sleep. Stress can exhaust your body as much as lack of sleep or physical work.”

Staring up at his friend with huge eyes, Ryan shook his head. “Sorry, man, but I won’t accept that. You’re not gonna sleep on your couch ‘cause of me.”

“Oh please.” Esposito rolled his eyes. “You’re kidding me? That whole back and forth is kinda silly, don’t you think? You don’t want me to sleep on the couch? Fine, let’s share the bed then. It’s big enough. But I certainly won’t send you back to your apartment, knowing you won’t get any sleep there.” With a smirk, he added, “We can also fight it out if you like.”

“Nah, thanks.” Ryan shrugged. “You’re damn stubborn, you know that?”

“Something we have in common then,” Esposito stated with a wink. “Now, you keep on arguing with me or accept the offer?”

Ryan’s manners made him want to decline again, but the look in his partner’s eyes made clear a ‘no’ wouldn’t be accepted, and he couldn’t deny that for once, he was grateful for Esposito’s stubbornness.

\--------------------

Esposito awoke at dawn, as the first sunrays were finding their way into his bedroom, lighting the white walls up in soft shades of orange. By this time, his partner was still deep asleep, having taken over half of his bed. Ryan seemed to have had a rather calm night, as he hadn’t woken him up even once.

With a sigh, Esposito shook his head at himself, wondering what he had gotten himself into again. Torturing himself seemed to be slowly turning into his new hobby. Once again, he realised how deep he was in with his feelings already. Even if he tried, he knew he wouldn’t be able to back off anymore.

He had teased Castle many times about following Beckett like a lost puppy, reading every wish from her eyes and trying what he could to fulfill them. Love, so he had believed, wasn’t made for him. After all, there had never been a woman who could have sparked such feelings within him.

And then, it had been his partner of all people who had changed his mind. By now, he could understand Castle. Love would mess with one’s mind. It could lure a person into doing whatever they could as long as it made the other one happy in some way.

Mentally, he groaned at himself. Why exactly he had to fall in love so madly, with his best friend even, was still a mystery to him. He had avoided the feeling on all costs, knowing very well that love could easily lead to a broken heart. He had to deal with enough stress in his life. A broken heart had definitely not been on his list of experiences to make.

But the heart decided on its own, and he knew by now that he didn’t have a choice. So far, he hadn’t found a way to get rid of those feelings. Instead, they seemed to get stronger with every day. Eventually, he had settled for accepting things the way they were, knowing he couldn’t change them. That he was about to punish himself for loving his partner though was a different story.

But, again, that wasn’t up to his choice either. He had listened to Ryan, had held him close while allowing his friend to let out the emotions that had been trapped behind his invisible wall for too long. He had willingly offered him to stay at his place, to share the bed with him even, and while his rational mind had been screaming at him, telling him how stupid he was for increasing the already overwhelming closeness between them, his heart hadn’t bothered to listen. If he couldn’t have the relationship, he would have to be fine with the friendship, and he was willing to do whatever he could for said friend. No matter what that would do to him.

Love’s crazy, he thought as he watched his sleeping partner, once again shaking his head. ‘Madly in love’ was a good way of describing things, and what made him roll his eyes even more was the fact that, in some odd way, he didn’t even mind.

So lost in his thoughts, Esposito almost missed how the increasing sunshine eventually woke up his friend as well. He watched in silence as Ryan returned to the present from whatever dream he had had. He watched as he blinked in confusion, needing a moment to remember where he was. Sleepy eyes gazed up at him as he shifted around before he yawned and simply snuggled back into the thick blanket.

“Do I have to get up yet?” he mumbled into his pillow, almost completely hidden beneath the covers by now.

“Depends,” Esposito replied, resisting the urge to bent down and plant a kiss onto his sleepy partner’s cheek. He looked adorable, still trapped somewhere between dream world and reality.

“On what?” Ryan asked back, sounding not the slightest bit impressed. Esposito couldn’t help but smirk at the sound of his voice.

“Are you that grumpy every morning?” he wanted to know. A deep sigh was his response as his friend rolled over again, gazing up at him, struggling to focus for a moment.

“I’m not grumpy,” he defended himself. “Just...I don’t know.” He shrugged. “So? Depends on what?”

“Well, I gotta be at work around noon,” Esposito answered. “Don’t know about you though. If you rather don’t want to…”

“And what shall I do instead?” Ryan interrupted him. Guilt flashed across his face as he realised he had snapped again. “Sorry. Really, man.” He hesitated before he added, “In fact...I just wanna say thank you, you know?”

“For what?” he couldn’t help but ask back.

“For what?” Ryan repeated, shaking his head in disbelief. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe for making me realise that I was trusting the wrong people. For letting me in last night and being there for me. For sharing your bed with me. For…” His voice trailed off again as he looked away.

“Hey, it’s what friends do, right?” Esposito asked back, trying to smile. It was so easy to explain his actions like that.

“Is that so?” Ryan asked back, and Esposito was glad there was no way for him to figure out what he was really thinking.

“Of course it is,” he confirmed, pausing for a moment before he added, “See...if you wanna go back to work, fine. Better than hiding from it. But...you do know you can’t stay at the precinct for the next couple of days, you know? What do you plan on doing after your shift?”

Ryan shrugged again, his cheeks reddening slightly, but not in embarrassment this time. “Go...home?” he asked more than he answered. The sight was enough for Esposito to screw his own doubts again and words left his lips before he could stop them. If he had wanted to do so in the first place.

“You can stay here for a while if you like,” he suggested. “Come over whenever you like I mean. Maybe a little distraction is all you need. Some quality time with your best friend. ‘Cause, you know…”

Ryan’s expression softened as he looked up again. “I do trust in you, okay? Just ‘cause George betrayed me doesn’t mean I’m doubting all my friends now. It’s just that...I don’t know. I don’t really know what to think.”

“Then let’s figure it out together,” Esposito suggested.

Ryan chuckled. “‘Cause that’s what friends do, yeah?”

He nodded. “Absolutely.”

Once again, Esposito wanted to shake his head at himself, knowing very well what it would feel like if their connection intensified even more. But the smile he received from Ryan at his suggestion seemed to be worth the effort. After all, love was crazy for a reason.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.

He had tried to talk him into staying at home, but over the years, Esposito had learned that Ryan was just as stubborn as him. His partner didn't want to hide at home, and instead had chosen to go back to work. He doubted his friend would be able to leave the events from the previous day behind so easily, but couldn't blame him for not wishing to waste hour upon hour on mentally replaying what had happened either.

Running was no option, so he believed, and he was more than willing to sit through sleepless nights with his partner, listening to whatever thoughts were bothering him. Because that was what friends did for each other. But he also knew he wasn't in the position to judge and tell Ryan how he was supposed to deal with the recent events. After all, Esposito was an expert when it came to running and denying.

And so, he agreed to his partners wish, albeit reluctant, and drove the both of them to the precinct. The others would respect their friend's wish to return to work so early, instead of staying at home for a few days like the Captain had offered. Long time ago, they had stopped being a team, and even though things weren't always easy, neither of them regretted being part of their odd little family.

Castle included. Esposito had never really minded the writer's presence at the precinct, and couldn't deny that some of his ideas and theories weren't just creative but even helpful at times. What bothered him though was the attention the man was paying him since he and Ryan had arrived, as he knew very well that Castle loved to analyse.

Being analysed was nothing he wanted to deal with at the moment. Things were complicated enough as they were. Castle's wild, and far too often fitting, theories weren't welcome, but whenever he risked a quick glance into the writer's direction, he found the man staring, a thoughtful expression in his naturally curious eyes.

Not willing to attract the man's attention more than necessary, Esposito tried to focus on Ryan instead. But what he saw didn't increase his comfort either, as he could see even from the distance how much the other man was struggling. He was determined as always, which was a feature Esposito had always admired. If Ryan had a goal, he would go for it until he made it happen. In some cases, said determination seemed to be inappropriate, but he didn't know how to step in and explain that to his friend. The man's mind was unstable; he could see evidence in his entire behaviour, but the most in his eyes.

Watching his partner eventually turned out to be more stressful than avoiding Castle's glances, but fleeing into the kitchen didn't bring the wished relief either. Shaking his head, Esposito leaned heavily against the kitchen table, trying to understand what he had gotten himself into. Caring for others was part of his personality. So was loyalty. But still, he had promised himself that he would be cautious with letting people into his heart after the first time it had been broken when he had been just a little boy and his father had made him feel worthless with leaving and never looking back.

Yet protecting his heart from being damaged again seemed to be more of a challenge than he would have ever dared to imagine. He cared for Ryan in a way that was new to him, and seeing his partner so affected by a case he should have never had to deal with in the first place pained him. He knew there was no way to escape, except ignoring what those feelings were doing to him, because he knew there was no way to back off anyway.

So lost in his thoughts, Esposito almost missed Castle's entrance. He was startled back to reality as the taller man appeared by his side. Not daring to make eye contact again, he continued to stare ahead, desperately urging the coffee machine to finish so he could leave.

“I'm quite surprised Ryan's back at work already,” Castle eventually said, after spending minutes with staring at the man by his side, wordlessly and intently.

“Can't really blame him,” Esposito stated. “Wouldn't want to stay at home all day long, wondering about how shitty things have turned out.” From the corners of his eyes, he could see how Castle nodded. The man stayed quiet again, the thoughts that were running through his mind almost loud enough for him to hear them.

“It's hard, isn't it?” he wanted to know.

“Of course it is,” Esposito sighed. “We've talked about this yesterday, haven't we?” Finally looking up, he found the writer studying him with an expression that made him regret his choice immediately.

“I wasn't talking about that,” he said.

“And now you expect me to ask what you have in mind?” Esposito resisted the strong urge to glare, to just leave and end the conversation. He chose to stay, knowing very well that Castle wasn't to blame for his problems.

“Nah, you know I can't keep my mouth shut anyway.” Castle winked before his face turned serious again. “You're the best friend one could ask for. I really admire you for taking care of your partner like that. But do you really think this is going to work?”

The question almost made Esposito want to rethink his former choice not to unload his frustration on the writer. The writer's cryptic way of voicing his thoughts was nothing he had patience for. “What shouldn't work, and why?” he asked between gritted teeth.

Castle paused for another moment before he answered, “I'm just wondering how long you'll be able to handle this situation until you're going to snap. I'm talking about spending so much time with each other. And about the lies. Which, by the way, could backfire at you, because if you want someone to trust in you, you should be honest to them. All the time.”

Forgetting his former reluctance to face the man with the gift to analyse even the most common situation, Esposito spun around. “Lies? What the hell are you talking about? I'm not lying to anyone.”

Castle nodded again. “We both know that's not entirely true, right?”

“Oh yeah?” Stepping closer, Esposito narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him. The threatening gesture didn't seem to have any effect though. “Then tell me, Castle, what have I been lying about? Huh? Or is that just one of your crazy theories again?”

The look he received in response instantly made him want to take back the question, but before he could add more, Castle answered, “Well, I doubt he knows you're in love with him.”

Those few words were enough to cross the invisible line Esposito had drawn subconsciously, and made him snap. Before he knew what he was doing, he had grabbed Castle by the collar and shoved him roughly into the kitchen counter. The moment of adrenaline faded quickly, and his eyes widened in shock as realisation kicked in and he understood he had gone too far. Unlike his expectations though, nothing in the other man's expression indicated even the slightest hints of fear, or relief as he was let go again.

“Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone,” Castle promised quietly, raising his hands in defence before he rearranged the collar of his shirt.

“There's nothing to tell anyway,” Esposito stated coldly, backing away from the other man, unable to voice his apology just yet. That the writer was good at seeing right through people wasn't new. That he would uncover the cop's best kept secret had come unexpected.

“For how long do you keep on telling yourself that already?” Castle wanted to know, questioningly tilting his head to the side.

For another moment, Esposito fought with himself, trying to come up with excuses to deny that his friend was indeed right with his assumptions. With a deep sigh, he gave up on the idea, knowing that he was running out of lies. “For too long to remember,” he admitted instead, shaking his head at himself. “You get used to it.”

“But should you?” Castle stepped closer. “Listen, for how much longer do you want to play this game? It's not going to work.”

“Says the one with two failed marriages,” Esposito shot back. Wincing at his own voice, he added, “Sorry. But it's not like you're a relationship expert yourself, okay? For how long have you and Beckett danced around each other again?”

“Exactly.” Nodding in agreement, Castle offered an encouraging smile. “We wasted a lot of time thanks to not being honest to each other right away. I know very well what it's like...”

“No, you do not,” Esposito interrupted, turning around to face his conversation partner again. “You have no idea, Castle, 'cause this isn't Beckett we're talking about. Everyone knew right from the start what was developing between the two of you. It's never been one-sided. Not even for a single second. No matter what shit you guys tried to make yourself believe. But this here...it's an entirely different situation, okay? Ryan's my best friend. My partner. I'm nothing else to him. This friendship is all I'll ever have. So trust me, I'm certainly not gonna screw that up just 'cause you think I should be honest and tell him about my feelings.”

“But how can you be so sure that there's no chance for anything else but friendship?” Castle wanted to know.

“Are you kidding me?” Esposito stared back at him in utter disbelief. “What are you trying to do, put false hope into my mind?” He shook his head. “I'm his partner. His best friend. Nothing else.”

“So you don't think he should know he's more than just that for you?”

“Why?” He groaned. “Castle, it doesn't matter. I won't ever make a move on him, okay? So why should he know? Yeah, I know, I of all people should always be honest, but in this case...do you know what'll happen to our friendship if I admit that I love him?”

“Love even?” Castle looked impressed.

Esposito rolled his eyes. “What did you think? I just wanna jump him?” Another groan escaped him. “You have any idea how long I'm feeling that way already? I can handle it. We're friends. Nothing else. I'm not gonna risk that just 'cause I can't keep my mouth shut. I don't think that classifies as a lie.”

Castle nodded slowly. Thoughtfully, he stared ahead before he replied, “Fine. But what about you? How do you want to handle this? Spending so much time with each other, being so close...Do you want to tell me that doesn't hurt even more? Is that really what you do for a friend?”

Esposito shrugged. “Maybe not. But it's what you do for someone you love, don't you think?”

Castle nodded again, a warm smile spreading across his face. “You know what?” He closed the last bit of distance between them and patted his friend's shoulder. “I still think you shouldn't settle for the 'just friends' story yet. After all, he doesn't know about your feelings either. I'm pretty sure there's a chance they could be mutual.”

With those words, the writer left the kitchen again. Closing his eyes, he allowed himself a moment to mentally replay Castle's words. The man hadn't managed to change his mind. But he had to admit talking about what he had to hide for so long had provided new energy and a relief he hadn't expected. Maybe Castle still didn't understand, but at least he was willing to listen.

\------------------------

Staying at home hadn't been an option for him, but as soon as Ryan had arrived at the precinct, he had felt the strong urge to turn around and run again. But, unwilling to admit that his decision had been wrong, he had forced himself to smile and go through the day with the determination and professionalism that was so much part of his personality.

For hours, he managed to keep up his façade, although he couldn't help the feeling that Esposito had seen through it right from the start. Fortunately, his friend hadn't argued with him, hadn't tried to send him home, because he was convinced that his empty, quiet apartment would only make him feel all the more uncomfortable.

But then, said façade had started to crack. The locker room had appeared to be the best refuge. On shaky legs, he had made his way over to the nearest bench, before the wall that had been supposed to protect him shattered. His entire body was shivering as he sat, face buried in his hands, trying to control his breath.

Ryan tensed slightly as he heard how the door was opened and closed quietly. The sound of familiar footsteps made him stay though, as he knew he had no reasons to run and hide. He wasn't too surprised that he had been followed in the first place.

He could physically feel how Esposito made his way through the room, joined him on the bench, how he sat and watched, until he finally moved closer. A sigh of relief escaped Ryan as his friend's arm wrapped around his shoulder, instantly having the needed soothing effect on him. There was a warmth and comfort radiating from the other man that reminded him of how much he needed his partner. Heavily, he leaned into the embrace, enjoying how he was held even closer.

“I don't wanna go back home,” he whispered. “It's quiet and empty, and...I don't wanna think about it even more.” Pausing, he waited for a response, but instead, Esposito pulled him into a proper hug, holding him even closer while one hand was gently running up and down his back again.

Understanding the silent encouragement, he continued, “I...thought I'd be fine here, but...it feels as if everyone's looking at me, thinking 'look, that's the guy who fell for those lies of his ex-partner'. Or they think 'Isn't that the guy who killed his mentor?'. And on top of that, I...can't stop thinking about it. It hurts, you know? I can't stop thinking about George's face when I shot him. Most of us had to kill someone before, and it's never easy. But this...I don't know what to think.”

“Makes sense,” Esposito stated quietly. “Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel that way, you know? You're grieving 'cause Mason was your mentor. You admired him, and you liked him. You feel guilty 'cause you had to be the one to stop him, even though you know it was the right thing to do. And you're mad, 'cause you trusted him, but he used you and betrayed you. Show me one person who can shrug that off.”

Ryan nodded, knowing that a vocal response wasn't needed. Once again, he was amazed by how perfectly accurate Esposito's summary of his thoughts and feelings had been, but he wasn't surprised. The past hours had reminded him of how close they really were, and as the first tears started to fall, he knew they were caused by relief, because he knew there was this one person who understood him, even now, even in moments like this.

They sat like that, holding each other close, for what felt like eternity but certainly wasn't more than a couple of long minutes. Ryan could feel how his panic attack started to fade, how he stopped shivering, how his mind stopped spinning. Still, a dull feeling deep within him stayed, but he knew his friend was right: he had all rights to feel that way. There was no need to lie, especially not to himself.

“Why don't we just go home?” Esposito asked then, making him tense again. Before he could argue back though, his partner quickly added, “I won't make you go to your place and stay there all by yourself. The Captain said he really doesn't if we take a day or two off. Stay at home, relax a bit, you know? That'd be okay to you?”

Once again, Ryan nodded, knowing Esposito understood. And, once again, he admired his friend for knowing exactly what he wanted and needed, but didn't dare to ask for.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.

He felt enjoyably calm as he made his way through his penthouse, slowly, taking in all the little details that turned the large place into his beloved home. Lights were switched off, only the city lights were reflected by the clean hardwood flood. A smile lit Castle's face as he spotted the line of warm light beneath his bedroom door. Of course Beckett was still awake; he hadn't expected anything else from her.

His smile widened as he approached the door in question. She had never officially moved into his penthouse. Things had just happened, without a former discussion that could have clarified details and rules. Somewhere along the line, most of her belongings had appeared at his place, and eventually, they had made the silent agreement that her old apartment wasn't needed anymore.

Years ago, the idea of moving in with a woman that was not either his mother or Alexis had been the furthest from his mind. Two failed marriages were enough, he believed, and short relationships without commitments didn't require a shared apartment. He had wanted his freedom, and wasn't willing to get himself involved in anything that would just upset him sooner or later.

Of course then he had to run into a certain Kate Beckett, who had made him rethink his plans. He had fallen in love with the woman faster than he would have ever dared to imagine, and could still remember the moment they had finally confessed their feelings to each other, in a moment of utter relaxation and joy.

His smile grew into a full grin as he reached his bedroom door. She made him happy in a way neither of his ex-girlfriends, or ex-wives for that matter, had managed to. How could he not love the idea of having this stunning person move in with him?

A long time ago, Castle had stopped shaking his head at himself. He didn't regret that he had screwed his plans and instead had opened his heart to yet another person. Love was beautiful, especially if felt for the right person.

This realisation was the main reason why Castle was determined to play matchmaker again. He had given up on the idea after trying to hook up the wrong people more often than not. This case though was a different story.

Quietly, he opened the bedroom door and let himself in. He wasn't surprised that Beckett didn't notice his presence until he joined her in bed. Startled back to the present, she looked up from the papers she was holding, meeting his gaze with a warm smile. Said smile never failed to make his heart race, in the most beautiful way he could imagine. She looked so stunning and happy, and so different to the way she had looked at him in the beginning, when he had just been an annoying follower to her.

“There you are,” she said, her smile widening even more. “I was already wondering what you were up to.”

“Ah, just ate the rest of that amazing omelette neither of you appreciates the way you should.” He tried to look as hurt as possible, but only drew a laughter from his girlfriend in response.

“Rick, I know you're proud of your cooking stills,” she said meaningfully. “But please...don't expect us to share your taste.”

“You just don't know what's good.” Playfully, he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Then his interest was caught by the papers and he inched closer. “You didn't seriously take work with you? This is our bed. Work's not permitted in here.”

“I know.” Beckett sighed. “It's just...I didn't think this case would require so much investigation. I thought I could just do it along with all the usual work, but seems like I underestimated it a bit.”

Castle nodded slowly. “You're quite a bit obsessed with this, don't you think?” he asked softly. “I know you want to help, but...this isn't your job, Kate. There are people who are responsible for finding out how things could go so wrong with Mason.”

“Yeah, but...” She sighed again. “I do know you're right, okay? But...once you get dragged into a case like this, it's hard to pull back again. I found out so much about Mason...in fact we can be glad we finally managed to stop him.”

“It's that bad?” Castle wanted to know.

Beckett nodded. “Yeah. He wasn't just involved in criminal business, Rick. He worked with the worst guys the city has to offer. He was no longer going after drug rings, he was part of them. Seems like he was also taking that stuff they were selling himself. Lanie found quite a variation of substances in his blood.”

“Makes sense.” Castle looked up from the papers. “He spent years with those guys, pretending to be one of them. Maybe somewhere along the line, he had enough of the shitty job. Maybe he even asked to be let out, but they refused to let him go, because he was so good. He lost himself more and more, until he started to think that the businesses those guys are involved in are quite lucrative. He got in deeper and deeper, started to take that stuff, got used to the money...and then he reached the point where he had to defend what he was building up for himself. Unfortunately, those girls figured out what he was doing and threatened to uncover him. That's when he decided to take matters into his own hands. And that his old friend could do something for him in return with taking him right to his victims.”

“Pretty much.” The smile had disappeared from Beckett's face again. “It's not just been the girls though. Seems like he's tied to a couple of cold cases. He took out people that got into his way here and there. It's...quite an impressive number.” She swallowed hard. “He's been even dirtier than I thought. But no one tried to stop him.”

“You think we should tell the others?” Castle wanted to know, referring to one team mate in particular.

“No.” Beckett shook her head. “He knows that he's been used by this man to see if we already had evidence that could lead to him. And to get the names and locations he needed. The guy betrayed him enough with that. He doesn't need to know what else he did.”

“It could maybe make him stop blaming himself for shooting Mason,” Castle suggested, but Beckett shook her head again.

“It's another cop thing, Castle,” she answered softly. “Even if we're right, even if we had all reasons to do what we did...it doesn't change anything. Every cop dearly hopes that he never has to shoot anyone. But there's the point when you have to do it anyway, and it leaves marks. Every time you pull the trigger, it marks you. Now imagine you have to do it to stop someone you once cared for. Someone you once admired. Do you really think that finding out how much blood that person really had on their hands makes it any better?”

“Probably not.” Castle studied her for another moment, taking in the complex, beautiful woman by his side, before he reached out, took the papers from her and dropped them on the floor. “But taking work home with you doesn't change anything either, right? So why don't you stop for tonight and take your mind off the case for a few hours? There are so many nicer things to think about.”

“Or to do?” She winked at him.

“Or to do.” Grinning again, he leaned in to kiss her. Then, another thought returned to his mind: one he had almost forgotten about. “May I ask you something?”

She raised an eyebrow at him as she answered, “Depends on the question.”

Playfully rolling his eyes at her, he made himself comfortable again. Pushing away the dark tension that had settled in the room just minutes ago was necessary, because if there was someone who deserved hours to relax and smile, it was her.

“If you believed that two people belong together, but are too stubborn to understand that they're perfect for each other, do you think playing matchmaker would be okay?” he asked.

Beckett's eyes widened at his words. “Castle! I thought we already had this topic. No interfering with people's relationships. Did you like how everyone was constantly trying to get us together? And did it work?”

“Yeah, maybe if they had tried harder,” he answered stubbornly. “Besides, we are together now, and we don't know if that's also partly due to everyone being so pushy.” Moving closer even more, he captured her lips in another sweet kiss. “I promise I won't mess around, but I think sometimes, people just need a push into the right direction.”

“If you already decided what you wanna do, why do you ask?” She slapped his shoulder gently. “Now, will you tell me who those people are?”

“Of course not.” He snorted. “It's a secret. And I'm good at keeping those. Don't even try to bribe me.”

“Oh, we'll see how secretive you really are, babe.” She laughed, once again making his smile widen. This was the Beckett Castle wanted to see, and he was determined to make another couple just as happy as them.

\------------------------

He didn't know whether the warmth of sunshine on his face or the smell of fresh coffee had woken him up. He couldn't have cared less. Stretching in bed, Ryan didn't bother to hurry up. The week had been exhausting enough, and the precinct didn't demand his presence for the next couple of hours.

Slowly, he allowed his eyes to open. A sleepy smile lit his face as he took in his surroundings. By now, the sight of Esposito's bedroom felt strangely normal to him. He didn't like to remember the first night he had spent in this bed. In fact, he just wanted to forget the entire day.

Going back to work so shortly after what had happened with Mason had been a silly idea, he had to admit. Two days off had followed. Those two days had been spent entirely at his best friend's place, had been supposed to help him clear his mind and calm down again.

They hadn't done much. He remembered he had talked a lot, and had cried a lot. He had yelled in anger, had broken down in disappointment and guilt. And during all those hours, his partner had been right by his side, providing what he needed the most.

It's what friends do, Esposito kept on repeating, but Ryan doubted his friend knew what he was really doing for him with every single little gesture. He had listened, he had comforted, he had offered the tight hugs he had been craving for so badly.

Two days weren't much, but the intense support he had received had been enough to pull him back to his feet. Returning to work had still been a challenge, but he had mastered it. Much to his surprise though, they had made a silent agreement without his notice. During the following week, he had spent more time at his partner's place than he had at his own, and the other man's bed was usually the location where he would wake up in the morning.

And it felt good. It wasn't so much the attention he was receiving but the closeness to another person, who wouldn't judge, who'd just be there, who'd understand. Their friendship had always been tight, but couldn't be compared to what they had now. No teasing comment had been made, they hadn't even found anything to argue about like they usually did. They seemed to have reached a whole new level of understanding, and Ryan had to admit he was getting more than used to it.

He was just about to go back to sleep again as the bedroom door was opened. The mattress moved and as he opened his eyes again, he gazed right up at his partner, offering a deliciously smelling mug to him.

“Coffee in bed?” Ryan asked with a teasing smirk as he yawned and moved to sit up. “How romantic.”

Rolling his eyes, Esposito shoved the mug into his open hands before he made himself comfortable on the empty half of his bed. “You slept well?”

“Perfect.” Ryan nodded, raising a questioning eyebrow at the look he received in response. “What?”

“You don't have to lie, you know?” Esposito replied.

Ryan resisted the urge to laugh at the comment he had heard various times already during the past couple of days. “You still don't believe me? I am feeling better about this, alright? I'm not okay with how things have turned out with George...or with what I had to do. But I'm feeling better.” He paused, feeling a rush of discomfort at another thought that found its way into his mind. “If you wanna kick me out now...”

“Nah, it's fine.” Esposito shook his head. “I don't mind you being here, man. Really. How often have I said that already? It's actually quite nice to have a roommate.” A strange look appeared in his eyes at those words: one that was still new, even though Ryan had already noticed it a few times lately.

“Yeah, but...if you're roommates, everyone usually has their own room,” he pointed out. “I'm sleeping in your bed, man. How's that supposed to work when you wanna take a date home?”

“You've seen me dating lately?” Esposito asked back.

“No, but...” Ryan paused. “Now that you mention it...you really haven't been dating for a while. You don't think you should go out with someone again?”

At this point, to his own surprise, he felt the strong urge to slap himself. He was curious, but the more he thought about the idea that his friend could return to his old habits, the more he disliked it. A strange heat started to form in the pit of his belly, making him angry. The feeling wasn't unfamiliar, but didn't make sense in this situation at all.

“Didn't feel like it,” Esposito answered then, looking away, not seeming to like the topic either.

“Yeah, but why?” Ryan asked to his own disbelief. “There's been a time when you had dates all the time, even if some of those were just one-night-stands. But nothing for months? That's quite unusual for you.”

Biting his tongue, he forced himself to stay quiet and stop asking any further questions. He could feel that he wanted to get somewhere with them, but wasn't sure which answer he was actually hoping for. The heat was increasing at the option that his partner could realise that dating wasn't a bad idea, and again he wanted to punch himself into the face for bringing up the topic in the first place.

“Like I said, I don't feel like it,” Esposito repeated, more firmly this time. “There've been other things on my mind. Don't really leave space for even thinking about dates right now.”

Ryan nodded slowly. Fortunately the urge to push his friend into the wrong direction had disappeared, but the curiosity hadn't. “And what's keeping your mind so busy?”

In surprise, he noticed how Esposito's cheeks flushed softly. Before he could point that out though, his partner said, “Don't you wanna try the coffee? I made it just for you after all.” He paused before he added, “If you wanna go back to your apartment, do that. But you don't have to. I like sharing my place with you. And don't worry about dates. That's really nothing I'm interested in right now.”

Ryan nodded again. He didn't even bother to be surprised by the strong excitement and happiness the other man's answer had caused deep within him, wiping away the frustrating heat he had felt just seconds ago. “Thank you,” he said. “Really, man.”

“Not a problem.” Esposito returned his smile, moving to get up before he could make eye contact for longer than a couple of seconds. “I'm gonna take a shower. So if you need anything from the bathroom, get it now, if you don't wanna walk in on me again.”

Ryan couldn't resist a grin at those words. “It's not like you have a reason to hide.”

“Are you flirting with me now? That was quite good,” his friend replied with a grin of his own.

With those words and a wink, Esposito disappeared into his bathroom. Still smirking, Ryan turned his attention back to his mug of coffee. He didn't understand what exactly had caused the former rush of jealousy, but he couldn't deny he liked what he was feeling now. Enjoying the sensation, he made himself comfortable in bed again and agreed that being roommates was indeed a good idea.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Many thanks to akblake for suggesting the idea for the first half of the chapter.

Esposito wouldn’t have been surprised if, to outsiders, he would appear like a crazy man who liked to suffer. Even he was wondering what he had gotten himself into, and why he was incapable of pulling back. Ryan had offered to return to his own apartment more than once, unwilling to bother his partner with his constant presence at his place.

But he had been incapable of agreeing to the offer. He knew perfectly well that what his friend was saying and what he was really thinking and feeling differed immensely. Ryan was a polite man: his parents had made sure that he had the perfect manners of a gentleman. More often than not he wouldn’t voice his wishes.

But over the years, Esposito had learned to read his friend’s mind well enough to know what he really wanted. At least so he believed. Of course he had offered him to stay at his place as long as he wanted to. Officially, that was what friends did for each other. Inofficially, the feelings involved were a lot more intense.

And so, Ryan had basically moved in with him, was a constant presence wherever he went, and while the closeness was affecting him more and more, he couldn’t deny he was also enjoying it. Even if said closeness wasn’t coming close to what he was really longing for.

He couldn’t blame Castle for questioning his decision, wondering for how much longer he wanted to keep playing this game. He knew very well how self-destructive his behaviour was, but he couldn’t back off either, even if he wanted to.

Love was crazy: he was convinced by that. It was frustrating, too, he realised more and more, because it appeared like he was starting to imagine things. Lately, he couldn’t help the feeling that the closeness between the both of them was increasing in a way he hadn’t expected. According to Castle and everyone else they knew, they had never understood the concept of personal space, but during the past two weeks, said space was barely existent anymore. Along with that, Ryan’s behaviour seemed to have changed as well. At times, he almost believed his friend was subconsciously trying to flirt with him with comments, gestures, even glances.

Whenever his thoughts reached this point, he believed he was close to going crazy completely. Wishful thinking wasn’t supposed to turn into an odd kind of reality for him, because then, things would complicate even more.

Opening his eyes slowly, he allowed them a moment to adjust to the light in his bedroom. The first sunrays were finding their way in already, drawing long lines on the white ceiling. Waking up from an enjoyably deep slumber easily counted to some of his favourite moments, as he could trick himself into believing that his vivid dreams could indeed be true.

That way, he needed minutes until he noticed the weight that was resting on his chest. In confusion, he opened his eyes completely, instantly wondering if he was still dreaming. With raised eyebrows, he stared at Ryan, who was halfway lying across of him, arms resting on either side of Esposito’s body. Still deep asleep, he was breathing in sync with his partner, face turned away from him.

Of course he should have been prepared for such a situation. Of course he shouldn’t be surprised by the way this physical closeness made him feel. Yet, he wasn’t able to shove his friend aside, to get the needed distance between them that would prevent his mind from spiralling out of control. That he would never make a move on his partner had been clear right from the start, a long time before he had stated this fact in front of Castle. But still he was just a human being, with wishes and needs, and certain situations didn’t exactly make things easier for him.

Before he got the chance to pull himself out of his temporary state of surprise and fight against the overwhelming feelings that were rising deep within him, Ryan shifted on top of his partner. Slowly awakening, he turned around, his sleepy eyes meeting the confused ones of Esposito. Instead of backing off though, his friend snuggled further into him, daring to wrap his arms around his waist as he did so. In disbelief, Esposito stared back, trapped between the question what he was supposed to do next and the heat that was forming in the pit of his stomach. He had perfected his self control, but it had limits that were threatened to be reached.

“Uh...you’re okay there, man?” he forced himself to ask eventually.

“Huh?” Obviously still half-asleep, Ryan looked up again. Esposito could watch how he finally woke up completely, how reality pushed aside whatever dream world he had been in just seconds ago. Then, eventually, realisation hit him and his eyes widened in shock.

“That’s a little too close, don’t you think?” Esposito couldn’t help but ask, cursing himself for not keeping his mouth shut as his friend’s cheeks blushed bright red.

“Sorry, man.” His eyes widened even more as he bolted up into a sitting position. “I...uh...didn’t mean to...take over your half of the bed, too.”

“Calm down, it’s not a problem,” Esposito assured him, feeling slightly guilty for embarrassing his partner like that. “And don’t you dare to start that whole ‘I’ll just go back to my own place’ shit again, okay?”

“If you say so.” Ryan offered a shy, hesitant smile. “Maybe next time chain me to my half. Looks like I forgot to tell you that...I’m moving around quite a bit during full moon phases.”

Esposito resisted the urge to remind him that they weren’t even close to the next full moon yet, knowing that would only increase the awkwardness. He had already noticed that his partner had restless phases at night, mostly due to dreams, he assumed. He had already wondered whether or not he should bring up the topic, should try to figure out if the man was bothered by nightmares. But, knowing how he would react to such a question himself, he had chosen not to make the step yet. Chances were high that he had had yet another of those wild dreams though, which was to blame for the location he had moved to during the night.

“Nah, it’s okay,” he said then. “Just relax, man. I’m honoured to know I make such a nice pillow.”

Much to his relief, Ryan laughed in response, and mentally, Esposito congratulated himself for easing the tension between them so easily. With a smile, he sank back into his pillow as his friend headed to the bathroom. The increasing closeness between them didn’t make things easier, but he had made a promise and was determined to keep it.

\-------------------

A long time ago, Castle had stopped getting frustrated by people who believed that being a writer was an easy job that didn’t require hard work. After all, how difficult could it be to sit at a computer and type away some random thoughts that had popped into one’s mind?

He had given up on explaining over and over again that there was more to a successful author than just a creative mind. Research wasn’t just a fun way to keep one busy and add some interesting details to the story, but necessary to make the book worth reading.

Same counted for analysing people. Castle had noticed his gift decades ago, as a young boy, and although he hated to admit it, he couldn’t deny his mother was partly responsible for that. She had taught him a lot of lessons during the years.

And so, Castle wasn’t surprised that he had been the first one who had picked up on the growing tension between two of his friends. To him, it was obvious, but apparently everyone else had a different opinion.

Fortunately, he had received the proof that he wasn’t hallucinating when Esposito had confessed that he was indeed in love with his partner, more than Castle had dared to imagine. The man’s speech had motivated him even more to interfere, to play matchmaker once again, because this time he believed his attempts would be worth the effort.

How exactly he wanted to get those two together though was the real challenge. Esposito was convinced that his feelings weren’t mutual, and while Castle had a different opinion, he didn’t have any proof for his theory either. Apart from that, he couldn’t see either of the two men making the first step, and the idea to simply lock them up in a small room until they were honest to each other was getting more and more tempting.

Lost in his thoughts, he wandered through the precinct, instinctively heading for the kitchen with his beloved coffee machine. A smirk lit his face as he realised someone else had had a similar idea.

“Hey Ryan,” he greeted, his eyes widening in surprise as his friend was startled so much that he spilled his entire mug of coffee across the table. “Wow, sorry. Someone’s been far away with his thoughts, huh?” He joined the detective at the table, helping him to clean up the mess. In amusement, he noticed the soft reddish tone the man’s cheeks were colouring in.

“Is everything okay?” he added, studying Ryan a little more closely. He didn’t look like whatever thoughts had kept his mind busy had been upsetting ones. Instead he almost appeared embarrassed, and the writer doubted that was due to spilled coffee.

“Yeah, sure.” Ryan tried to offer a smile in response, which came across more awkward than assuring. “I’m just...a little confused, that’s all.”

Castle nodded, relieved that his theory had been right: Mason certainly hadn’t been the reason. Then, another thought found its way into his mind and his eyes widened in curiosity. Resisting the urge to grin, he asked, “Would you like to talk about it?”

To his surprise, the detective didn’t decline the offer right away. Instead, he really looked like he wanted to talk about whatever had kept his mind so busy. A lot of pushing wouldn’t be required here, he decided.

“Come on, you know you can trust me, don’t you?” Castle asked, wincing slightly at his own words. Trust maybe wasn’t the word he should have brought up with this conversation partner. Quickly, he added, “We’re friends, and sometimes, a variation of point of views can help with confusions. I’m more than willing to listen.”

Ryan raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. “Oh yeah? Aren’t you just being nosy again?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Castle decided to admit, knowing that while the man was just as oblivious as his partner, he was still good at seeing through others. “But I promise that whatever you say will stay between you and me.”

Ryan didn’t look convinced as he studied the writer for another minute. Then, as a sigh escaped him though, Castle knew he had won. So had the urge to speak out what he had in mind. “It’s nothing, really,” he started quietly, his cheeks reddening even more. “But...have you ever been in a situation where you believed you knew how you felt about a person, and suddenly you’re starting to see them in a different way?”

Biting his tongue, Castle swallowed down all the answers that threatened to come out. Instead, he forced himself to ask, “You mean like developing feelings for someone who you thought was nothing else but a friend to you?”

“Um...kinda.” Ryan nodded. “Yeah.” He sighed. “See...I know it’s stupid, and it doesn’t make any sense. But suddenly, I’m starting to feel jealous, and I’m having feelings that...well, don’t have that much to do with friendship, you know?”

“I see,” Castle answered, impressed by how calm his voice sounded, considering that he felt like he was about to burst in excitement. “And does the person in question know?”

“Of course not!” Ryan stared at him in disbelief. “Like I said, it’s stupid anyway. I was just wondering how to deal with this. How to stop feeling that way. I mean, I’ve had crushes on people before, but if someone’s your friend, it’s a different story.”

“Yeah, but maybe it’s not stupid after all,” Castle suggested, convinced that he couldn’t prevent himself from grinning for much longer. “Maybe the person feels the same way, but is also too shy or hesitant to say a word.”

“Nah, certainly not.” The detective shook his head in response. “That’s just crazy.”

“You can’t know that,” Castle said meaningfully. “Last time I checked, the ability to mind read wasn’t on our list of features yet.”

His friend rolled his eyes in response. “That’s not helping, Castle. I need an advice. A real one.”

“It is a real one,” the writer assured him. “My advice: try to find out if the person feels the same way.”

“But shouldn’t I just get over my feelings?” Ryan asked confused. “I mean, even if there was the slightest chance that the person might have feelings for me, which is like the silliest idea you could come up with, do you really think a relationship with a friend is a good idea?”

“Why not?” Castle asked back. “Look at Beckett and me.”

“Yeah. Great.” Shrugging, Ryan grabbed his coffee mug. “Thanks, man. But I think I’ll just stop being an idiot. Makes the most sense and certainly will work best.”

With those words, he turned his attention back to the coffee machine, making clear he wasn’t interested in any further advice. Castle, knowing when he wouldn’t get anywhere with questioning, left the kitchen, but if he had expected his excitement to ease, he had been wrong. Instead, it increased even more, and he was grateful to see Beckett sitting at her desk. If there was someone he could unload his theories and thoughts on, it was her.

“Beckett!” he hissed as he crossed the room, almost tripping over his chair before he managed to sit in it more or less decently. At the annoyed look he received in response, he added, “That worked better when I didn’t know you loved me.”

“Doesn’t mean you stopped getting on my nerves.” Sighing, she turned her attention to him. “So? What do you have for me? Any crazy theories for the case?”

“No.” He shook his head, his smirk growing into a full grin. “I’m here to tell you that my plan to play matchmaker was a fantastic idea, because I just found out that both parties are in love with each other. Now that I know the facts, I just have to make them admit it! How awesome is that?”

Beckett stared back at him in confusion, like he had expected her to. But then, something changed in her expression, and he could almost see how the pieces clicked into the right places. Her eyes widened and a gasp escaped her as she said, “Oh my God, please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”

“Depends on what you think that might be.”

She glared at him. “Stop playing games with me, Castle! Are you trying to get the boys together?”

Stunned by the fact that she had guessed right immediately, he needed a moment to gather his thoughts again before he could answer. “And that’d be a problem why?”

“Because they’re friends. Best friends even. And partners.” Beckett sighed again. “They’re so close, they mean so much to each other, and they’re working together so well. Did you ever wonder what’d happen if they didn’t work out as a couple?”

“Oh, please.” Castle gave her an odd look. “How many friends and partners have started relationships and are perfectly happy with them? Besides, this isn’t just a crush we’re talking about. I know for a fact that one of them is madly in love with the other, and from what I just heard, the other one is starting to realise he’s feeling the same way.” Pausing, he tilted his head to the side. “What’s the problem, Kate? I know you care for them like a sister for her brothers, but do you think that they’re happy with denying their feelings for each other and settling for friendship and partnership while they clearly want more? Remember what it was like for us to pretend we weren’t interested.”

To his relief, Beckett didn’t argue back right away. Instead, she stared at a random spot on her desk, nodding slowly before she looked up again. “And you’re sure they’re both in love with each other?” As he nodded, she continued, “Then you better do a good job with getting them together, Castle.”

His excited grin returned as he nodded again, more firmly this time. “You’ll see, soon we can have couple dates with them.”

His grin widened as Beckett just rolled her eyes at him in response. Castle was motivated more than ever, and eager to start working on his plan.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Thank you so much for reviewing and the kudos! :)

The apartment was quiet and dark as he slowly made his way to the bedroom, trying not to make more noises than necessary. His partner was certainly asleep already, he assumed. That Ryan could have simply headed to his own place again was no option in Esposito's opinion. He had made clear that his friend was welcome, and if he was honest to himself, he had gotten fairly used to having a roommate.

Even if sharing a bed could lead to rather awkward moments, like they had realised a few days ago. Same counted for everything else. Ryan was right when he said that roommates usually had separate rooms, and also plans for certain occasions. He couldn't have cared for such rules though, as far more important topics were keeping his mind busy.

The big question was: how should he handle the current situation the best? Something was changing, but so far, Esposito hadn't figured out in which direction things were moving. Castle, on the other hand, had a clear opinion about what was going on, but so far, he was nowhere near believing the writer could be right in any way.

He had to find a way to deal with the increasing closeness between him and his partner though if he didn't want to go crazy in a couple of weeks or months. Mentally, he rolled his eyes at himself. Things were silly enough as they were, but who said they couldn't just complicate them a bit more with odd feelings?

Quietly, he let himself into the bedroom, having already undressed on his way in. His mind was spinning with exhaustion, and Esposito was convinced that as soon as his head met the pillow, he would be asleep within the next couple of seconds.

So tired, he didn't pick up on the noises that were coming from his bed right away. He was already sitting on his half as he realised Ryan was more active than he should be during a normal sleeping phase.

“Hey man, you're okay over there?” he asked into the darkness, like expected not receiving an answer in response. Instead, another sound escaped his friend, leaving no doubt to the fact that he didn't seem to be feeling well. It took him another moment to understand that his partner was struggling with a nightmare.

After a second of hesitation, Esposito reached for his bedside lamp, but the light didn't have any effect on Ryan. Mumbling to himself in what could have easily been a different language, he seemed to get more restless by the second. Once again hesitating, Esposito stared back at him, knowing from own experience what could happen if one woke up a person during a nightmare. He hadn't forgotten how he had once almost attacked a girlfriend at night. She hadn't bothered to call him again, and he doubted she knew or even cared how much she had scared him with shaking him awake, causing his well-trained instincts to kick in.

He also knew how bad nightmares could get though, and how much he had wished to wake up a little earlier at times instead of having to relive what had already been horrible enough in reality. Mentally, Esposito cursed himself for not asking Ryan about his dreams earlier, having found out that he had restless nights quite a while ago already.

Not willing to watch the scene any longer, he inched closer then. On alert to either get distance between himself and his partner or to wrestle him down if needed, he leaned in and carefully placed a hand on the sleeping man's shoulder.

“Hey man, it's just a dream,” he whispered softly, hoping his voice would somehow find its way through to him. “You're okay. Just dreaming. That's all. You're save.”

Another strange sound was his answer, closely followed by a sigh. Gently, he ran his hand up and down his partner's bare arm, glad that he hadn't managed to wake him up. To his relief, Ryan seemed to react to the quiet gesture, slowly but steadily calming down again. Esposito continued to talk to him softly, all the time keeping the physical contact as that seemed to have the strongest effect.

After endlessly long minutes, his friend eventually stopped tossing, stopped talking and instead seemed to drift into a deeper, more relaxing slumber. He waited for another couple of minutes until he was sure that the nightmare wouldn't return any time soon. Then, with a deep sigh of his own, he sank into his pillow, and another second later, he had fallen asleep as well.

Esposito couldn't tell for long he had slept when he woke up the next time. Once again, he found himself surrounded by darkness, assuring him that it wasn't time to get up and ready for work. Just as he was about to roll over and go back to sleep though, he noticed that something was different. It was the faint light that found its way through the slightly opened bedroom door that eventually made him understand.

With slight discomfort settling in the pit of his stomach, he got up. He found his roommate in the kitchen, spinning around at the realisation that he wasn't alone in the room anymore. Confused thanks to a still sleepy mind and not understanding why Ryan would be up in the middle of the night, Esposito stepped closer.

“What are you doing?” he managed to ask.

“Did I wake you up?” Ryan asked back, guilt flickering in his eyes. “Sorry, man, didn't mean to. I know you had a long shift.”

“Nah, you didn't.” Shaking his head again, he joined him at the other side of the bar that separated his kitchen from the living room. Slowly adjusting to the light and his surroundings, his thoughts started to make sense again. Able to concentrate now, he gave the other man a look over. What he saw made him raise his eyebrows all the more.

“You had another nightmare?” he wanted to know.

“Nightmare?” Ryan gave him a surprised look, couldn't prevent his cheeks from slightly reddening though. “Just woke up and couldn't really go back to sleep. Thought some warm milk might work.” Turning away again, he tried to focus on what he was doing, but failed.

“Don't act like it's such silly idea,” he stated. “You've had another one earlier. Just didn't wake up then.” He didn't miss how his friend looked more embarrassed by the second, but this time, he didn't care. “You're shaking, man. That haunted expression in your eyes? Also not really convincing me that you're fine.”

“But I am,” Ryan stated stubbornly. “Just go back to bed. I'll be quiet.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Esposito snorted. “Nice try, man. But guess what? If there's someone who understands what it's like to be haunted by nightmares, it's me. You forgetting that?”

“Of course not.” Closing his eyes, he held his breath for a moment before he released it with a sigh. “But then you surely know that sometimes, you just don't wanna talk about them. Don't you?”

“Yeah, but...” Esposito started, just to cut himself off mid-sentence. The discomfort, radiating from his partner, was overwhelming at this point. Every inch of his body was tense, making him appear like an animal that was threatening to either strike or run the next second. From own experience, he knew that pushing any further wouldn't get him anywhere, but instead could make things even worse.

“Was it about Mason?” he asked carefully. As Ryan shook his head, he chose not to question him any further. Esposito hated the thought that his friend was hiding something from him, but the situation wasn't about him either. In silence, he watched, wondering what he could do to offer support without making the man turn his back on him and run. He had learned a long time ago that Ryan had his very own way of dealing with troubling thoughts. Problems would throw him off balance, would mess with his usually bright personality.

It was yet another moment that made Esposito realise he didn't know his partner as good as he wanted to. He knew what Ryan allowed him to know, but barely was aware of the things that were going on beneath the surface. In case of knowledge about each other, their relationship was rather unbalanced, he had to admit, apart from the one secret Esposito hadn't dared to share with him yet, and wasn't going to until he knew how the man was feeling about him in return.

He was startled back to the present as the mug, placed on the kitchen counter, fell over, hot milk spilling across the surface in the process. Ryan cursed, most likely more at his roughly shaking hands than the mess he had created. The sight pushed Esposito across the line he had wanted to avoid. He might not find the right words, but he knew that action spoke louder anyway, and he couldn't watch the scene any longer. The sight of his friend, struggling so hard with keeping up his calm, collected façade, pained him. Smoothly, he got off his chair and rounded the kitchen counter. He could feel how his partner tensed, but he didn't back off.

“We don't have to talk,” Esposito assured him quietly. “I get it, okay? It's fine. Just...let me?” Reaching out, he offered to take over the half empty pot. Ryan hesitated for another minute before he took the offer wordlessly.

“Go back to bed already, I'll be right there,” he added, but received another 'no' in response. Instead, Ryan headed for the living room couch. With the well-filled mug, Esposito followed, not bothered to argue. A look into his partner's eyes confirmed that sleep was no option for the next couple of hours, which included him as well. It's what friends do, he thought, mentally rolling his eyes at himself. Friends. As if. He handed the mug over before he reached for the blanket, thrown over the back of the couch, and wrapped it around Ryan's shoulders, ignoring the look of protest he received in response. Then, with a deep sigh, he let himself fall onto the empty seat next to his friend. As their eyes met, he knew perfectly well what was about to be said next.

“You don't have to sit here with me, you know?” Ryan stated.

Esposito shrugged. “Nah, I'm not that tired myself.” He reached for the remote. “But I'm gonna choose the program. Not that there's really a lot to choose from anyway at stupid o'clock.”

He switched the TV on, still feeling his partner's full attention resting on him as he flipped through the channels. Inwardly, he tensed as Ryan moved closer then. He shivered as he rested his head against his shoulder, and Esposito didn't question the instinct that made him wrap an arm around his partner's shoulders, pulling him even closer. Too amazed he was by how right the situation felt, just like that. They sat in silence for a while, both staring at the TV, without knowing what exactly they were watching. And neither of them cared.

\------------------------

They hadn't slept much during the past night, but to his own surprise, Ryan didn't blame himself for that, or felt guilty because Esposito had spent two entire hours with him on his living room couch, sitting in silence while watching odd shows on TV. He wasn't ready to talk about his nightmares, which seemed to be increasing lately again, but accepting everything else his partner had to offer had simply felt right.

To sum it up, those offers had been exactly what he had wanted and needed. He had stopped shaking, had stopped freezing inwardly. Instead, he had felt amazingly comforted. Like coming home, he thought, blushing every time his thoughts reached this point. Something was changing, and with every day, he was starting to understand a little better what exactly was going on.

And he had to talk about it. Ryan knew that turning to Castle for that might not be the best idea, as the writer not only had the gift to look right through people, he also was curious like a child. Thanks to those observation skills though, his friend already knew a few of the many facts, so he didn't have to start right at the beginning again.

Nervously, he waited for the right moment to strike and unload his thoughts on Beckett's boyfriend, dearly hoping that Castle wouldn't guess what he was talking about right away. Mentally, he was already kicking himself for even considering this step, but he was too confused and overwhelmed not to do it.

Eventually, he got the chance he was looking for as Castle headed for the kitchen and everyone else was too busy to notice. He dashed after the older man, making sure no one would dare to mess with his plan, and that doubts wouldn't make him pull back again. He needed answers. Immediately.

“Castle,” he said the second he walked into the room, securely closing the door behind him to keep unwelcome listeners out. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, absolutely.” Castle's face lit up at the question. “If it's about the case...listen, Beckett's just being Beckett again. We both know that she's too stubborn to admit that my theory might be right.”

“Of course.” Shaking his head to clear his mind, Ryan pushed rising images of their current case back into the deep corner of his mind where they were supposed to be right now. “Um...what I wanted to talk about though...” His voice trailed off as he tried to remember all those sentences he had prepared earlier. He should have written them down, he thought, but knowing himself, he would have probably left the paper somewhere for everyone else to see.

Much to his relief, Castle stayed quiet for once though, more or less patiently waiting for him to continue, and so, with a deep sigh, Ryan asked, “You remember what I told you the other day? How you might suddenly start to see a friend from a different point of view?”

“Absolutely.” Castle nodded eagerly, visibly struggling with keeping a straight face. Too overwhelmed by his own confusion though, Ryan chose to ignore it.

“Well...at first, I was just having those feelings, you know?” he tried to explain. “Confusing ones that didn't make sense. I was jealous when I wasn't supposed to. I felt...things when we got a little closer than normal, in situations that never affected me before. It was odd and I didn't really get it. Thought maybe I was imaging things. But now...” He shook his head again. “I don't understand myself anymore, man. I got into something that's just...” He groaned. “Dammit, I don't even know what's going on.”

Castle nodded slowly. Stepping closer, he finally allowed himself to smile. “Well, maybe I can help,” he suggested.

“And how?” Ryan asked back. “If I don't even...”

“It's easy,” Castle interrupted him. “You're falling in love. Or are already in love and are figuring it out now.”

“But that's...impossible,” Ryan tried to argue back.

Castle chuckled. “Is it, yeah? I don't think so. Love doesn't follow weird rules. You can fall in love with everyone, no matter who it is. And in your case, it's not even surprising at all.”

“In my case?” Ryan stared at him in disbelief. “How do you wanna know that if I didn't even say a name?”

“You don't have to, because I already know who he is,” Castle stated with a smirk.

His eyes widened. “He?!”

“Yeah.” The writer rolled his eyes. “You're falling in love with your partner.”

Castle's words felt like a physical slap into his face. Unable to believe what he had heard, Ryan tried to argue, tried to say anything that would prove the man wrong, but words failed him completely. Carefully playing with the idea in his mind had already felt odd enough. Hearing said thought spoken out by Castle was simply unbelievable. He could feel how his face turned bright red and the urge to knock out the smiling writer was getting too tempting.

“Speechless, huh? At least you didn't try to strangle me.” Castle awkwardly pulled at the collar of his shirt before his smile returned, softer this time. “Hey, there's nothing wrong with that.”

“There's nothing...” Another groan escaped him. “Dammit, Castle, do you...have the slightest idea what the hell you're talking about here?”

The writer shrugged. “Well, at least you didn't argue back yet.”

“That's...”

“...because I'm right.”

“No!” Ryan glared at him, needing even more willpower not to slap the taller man. Castle was observing, but obviously didn't seem to understand the problem at all.

“Yes!” Castle mocked his tone before he turned serious. “I am right. You're falling in love with him, and there really isn't...”

“Oh, don't you dare to say that again!” Ryan interrupted him. “'Cause you really have no damn idea, man. He...he's my friend, okay? My best friend. He trusts me. You can imagine what happens if he finds out I'm starting to have such feelings for him?” He shuddered at just the thought. “He'd freak out. Probably never talk to me again.” Pausing, he added then, “Wait a minute...if you knew it all the time...how could you suggest that I should consider the feelings being mutual? How could you say that?!”

Shrugging again, Castle answered, “Because no one said he might not feel the same way.”

“That's impossible!” Ryan exclaimed, wincing as he remembered where he was. In a lower voice, he hissed, “We are talking about the same person here, right? I'm his friend, and he's the biggest lady's man I know. He's not into guys, and certainly not into me.”

“Oh yeah?” Castle asked back. “So tell me, does he know every little secret about you?” He waited for an answer, but all Ryan managed to do was blushing even more. “See?” he said satisfied. “If you can have your little secrets, so can he. Besides, when's he been on a date for the last time? Feels like decades ago.” Sighing softly, he added, “You should really consider the option instead of driving yourself crazy with thinking it's wrong to feel that way about him.”

Ryan stared back at his friend in silence, allowing his words to sink in for just a moment. Then another idea pushed its way into his mind. “Did Esposito say anything that makes you believe that?” he asked quietly.

Castle's smile widened. “Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? It's your job to find that out I'd say.” With a wink, he patted his shoulder. “I think you guys should talk. If you need me to lock you in a room for that, just ask.”

And with a wink, the writer left the kitchen again. Slowly, Ryan followed him, mentally replaying his friend's words. Just minutes ago, he had wondered if he was going crazy with those feelings that didn't seem to make any sense at all. Now there was the true option that Esposito might feel the same way about him. He couldn't deny Castle was right: they had to talk. But he didn't have the slightest idea who of them was supposed to start the conversation, and how.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.

Confusing feelings and developing relationships didn't change the fact that work was still one of the detectives' highest priorities. Cases had to be solved, paperwork had to be taken care of. Yawning slightly, Ryan made his way across the neatly cut meadow, over to where Lanie was kneeling next to the latest victim. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to focus, tried to push aside the thoughts that were keeping his mind busy.

Castle was convinced one of them had to make the first step, because he believed his two cop friends belonged together and were madly in love with each other. That he was developing such feelings was no secret anymore to Ryan. That his partner and friend could share them though still sounded rather stupid to him. Wishful thinking.

He shook his head, trying to smile as he saw Beckett approaching. They hadn't talked much during the past couple of weeks, but now her expression gave away that she seemed to wish to change that. “Hey,” he chose to greet before she could ask any questions, trying to sound as light as possible. “Escaping Castle again?”

She laughed, slowing down her steps as she joined him. “Turns out he isn't that exhausting and annoying anymore. I might be biased though.” Her smile softened as she added, “It's good to see you like that again. Joking and smiling.”

“Well, what can I say, that's just who I am.” He winked in response, which caused her smile to widen. He knew dealing with him during the past weeks, especially shortly after what had happened with Mason, hadn't been easy.

“I know we didn't talk much,” Beckett continued then. “I thought if there was someone who could offer what you needed, it's Esposito. If you wanna talk though...just ask. I might be able to relate in some way.”

Noddling slowly in response, Ryan considered the offer. In fact, he had wondered more than once whether or not he should approach the female detective, to ask her how she had dealt with her own case of betrayal through a beloved mentor. His hesitation and all those other confusing feelings that kept on getting in the way had prevented him from making the step though. Once again, said hesitation made him pause, but her offer had caused one of his many questions to return.

“You forgave Royce, didn't you?” he wanted to know. At her nod, he added, “Even before you read his letter?”

Beckett nodded again. “I did, yeah. Despite what he did, he was still my friend. Did he fall for his greed when he thought he had a chance to find those diamonds? Yeah. But I know he regretted it afterwards, and...I'd like to believe he never stopped caring for me.” Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath as memories rushed back, more with every spoken word. “Yeah, I forgave him.”

“I see,” Ryan stated quietly. “Guess I'm nowhere near that yet.”

“I can't blame you,” Beckett assured him with another warm smile. “Royce made a mistake. He lied to me and was blinded by his greed. But he regretted it. He didn't fight back when I arrested him, and he tried to apologize for what he's done. Mason though...” She paused again. “I know you want to forgive him because he's meant so much to you. I can understand that, believe me. I can absolutely understand that. You still remember the good guy he was. The one who taught you what you needed to know, instead of letting you figure it all on your own. Seeing your hero fall always hurts. But...”

“...Mason was a killer,” he completed.

“Yeah.” She sighed. “He killed two girls, was about to kill another one. He betrayed us to find his victims and to cover his tracks. Mason could only be stopped by being shot. No one can blame you for not being ready to forgive him just yet.”

“Especially as I don't even know half of what he's done, huh?” he asked back. At her look, he added, “I do know that you've been working his case though.”

“Yeah, I guess those that didn't see he was heading off into the wrong direction should be punished as much as him,” Beckett stated, smiling again as he thanked her. Patting his shoulder, she added, “It's okay if you can't forgive him yet, but you should get over it. I know it's easier said than done, but you shouldn't feel guilty because you don't have a reason to. What happened to Mason hurts, but you shouldn't let it haunt you. Trust me, I know what that does to a person.”

“Guess you're right.” Ryan offered a true smile of his own. “Thank you, really.” They had reached Lanie as Beckett nodded. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder, her smile widening.

“There's Castle,” she pointed out. “I'll fill him in on the case.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Ryan watched her as she headed over to her boyfriend, mentally replaying her words. If someone understood, it was Beckett, and he couldn't deny she was right. With another tiny sigh, he knelt down next to Lanie.

“Found anything interesting yet?” he wanted to know.

“I think the case's quite obvious,” Lanie said, pointing at the victim. She chuckled as another yawn escaped him.

“Think I'm in need of more coffee,” Ryan stated. Talking to Beckett had kept him busy briefly, but now sleepiness was returning.

“You know what I think you need?” Lanie asked back. “A little distraction. Might take your mind off the job for a bit, and all that stuff that's keeping you thinking.”

“What kind of distraction?” he wanted to know, not exactly liking the look she was giving him in response.

“What kind of distraction?” Lanie repeated. “Well, what about a date, huh? It's quite adorable how much time you're spending with your better half, but that's nothing compared to dating. You should really go out again.”

“Ah, no, I don't think I'm in the mood for that,” he argued quickly, cursing himself for blushing instantly.

“Shouldn't you know by now that I don't accept a 'no'?” Lanie shook her head at him. “You know what, I know the perfect girl for you. I'll call her later, set something up for you. You'll see, some distraction will work wonders.”

With those words, unwilling to discuss any further, Lanie turned her attention back to work. Inwardly sighing, Ryan got up, wondering how he was supposed to talk himself out of a date he wasn't interested in at all without giving away his real reasons for that.

\----------------------

Since Castle had bought the Old Haunts, the team had developed a new tradition of spending every other night at the bar together, to chat, drink and simply enjoy the bond that was uniting them, making them appear like an odd, little family.

Usually, Esposito enjoyed those nights out with his friends, being able to relax for a couple of hours until the stress would return. Things were a little different now though, as he could feel Castle's attention focused on him and Ryan, watching them closer than ever.

For whatever reason, he thought, sighing inwardly as the writer joined him at the bar, taking over the empty stool next to him. The man was far too curious, and by now, the detective doubted that was plainly due to his job.

“You think that beer is going to drink itself?” Castle wanted to know after spending yet another couple of minutes with staring in silence.

“You think staring at people all night is the purpose of our little cop family meetings?” he asked back, looking up with a slight glare.

Castle laughed. “Ah, I should've known that your mood isn't the best. I thought that might be due to other reasons.”

“For example?” Esposito asked back, knowing that silence wouldn't prevent the other man from talking either.

Castle shrugged. “I don't know. Frustration maybe. Because you still didn't make a move.”

“Goodness,” he sighed. “Are you at it again? Castle...don't get me wrong, I know you have best intentions behind all this, but...don't you realise when you're supposed to back off a little?”

“Not if my plan's so close to working.” Castle winked at him. He looked like he wanted to say more, but kept his mouth closed as Ryan joined them. His partner took over another empty chair, looking more uncomfortable by the second. Said expression appeared quite frequently lately. It was one of many reasons why Esposito knew things between them were changing, and made him want Castle to stay away from the topic even more. Things were already complicated enough as they were.

“What's the matter?” Castle asked then, like expected unable to leave a moment uncommented.

“Nothing really.” Ryan shrugged. “It's just that...” His attention turned to Esposito, rubbing the back of his neck as he added, “Lanie's setting up a date for me. With a friend of hers.”

Two short sentences, and they were enough to give Esposito's mood the kick it needed to drift off into one of many extreme directions. Jealousy rushed through him like a burning hot wave. Boiling inside in a mix of disappointment, frustration and rage, more at himself than anything else, he looked up.

“Oh yeah?” he asked before he knew what he was doing, or could stop himself. “Sounds awesome, 'cause it's about damn time, right? Hey, maybe I can even have the other half of my bed back then.”

As soon as the words had left his lips, Esposito wanted to take them back again, dearly wishing he could just punch himself into the face for his reaction. Jealousy had taken over completely this time, much worse than it had a few weeks ago, and had been directed to the one person who wasn't to blame for his frustrating feelings. Speechless by his own behaviour, he gazed back at his partner, who stared at him in shock and disappointment.

“Wow,” he said after an eternally long minute, trying to overplay the situation with a forced smile. “Um...yeah, guess what? I think...some more wine's in order, right?” On shaky legs, he got off of his chair. “I'll...be right back.” And with those words, his partner almost fled downstairs, away from him. Esposito stared after him in disbelief, unable to process that he had gone too far this time.

“What the hell was that?” the frustrated voice of Castle, whose presence the detective had almost forgotten about, hissed into his ear. As he turned around, the writer shook his head. “You care to explain what that was about?”

“None of your business, Castle,” Esposito stated. At the look he received in response, he groaned, “I don't know, okay? I just...it came out. That whole dating thing pissed me off, and...it just came out.”

“Yeah, because you couldn't just wait and listen, could you?” Castle wanted to know. “Did he look like he was excited about the date maybe?” As Esposito shrugged, he added, “No, he looked like he really disliked the idea. If you hadn't let your jealousy take over, you could've used the situation for your advantage.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!” It was Castle's turn to groan. “Do you think I'm doing all this...following you, bringing the topic up...because I got nothing else to do? Because it's such a fun story? I'm doing it because coincidentally, I found out that your feelings are mutual. But thanks to your stubbornness, you messed up royally.”

Esposito didn't know what to reply to that. Only a few days, or even hours, ago, he would have rolled his eyes at the man, but now, especially in combination with Ryan's reaction to his words, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, Castle was right. Things had changed lately. What if the writer really knew more? What if his feelings were mutual, despite what he was trying to make himself for so long already?

“And what do you suggest now?” he couldn't help but ask.

Castle didn't answer. Instead, a smirk lit his face as he got up. Firmly, he grabbed the sleeve of his friend's shirt and pulled him with him, downstairs to the basement. Ryan spun around as they joined him, staring back at them with huge eyes and a red face. A strong rush of guilt made Esposito want to turn around and run, but Castle blocked his exit.

“You guys talk now,” the writer informed them. “I won't let you out of here until you sorted things out. So you better get started.”

With those words, he stepped backwards, slammed the door shut and locked it. Esposito stared at the wooden surface in a mix of disbelief and discomfort. Hesitantly, he turned around then, facing his partner, whose expression still made him wince.

“What's there to talk about?” Ryan asked, his voice so low he could barely hear him. He could see how his partner's hands tightened more firmly around the bottle of red wine he was holding. 

The urge to flee was still present, but Esposito knew it wasn't just his chance to fix his mistake but also to finally admit what he was hiding for far too long. Hesitating for another moment, he stepped closer. “I'm sorry,” he said eventually. “'Cause of what I said.”

“Nah, don't worry.” Ryan offered another fake smile. “At least you were honest.”

“No, I was not.” Esposito sighed again. “I was just...an idiot, okay? I was mad, that's why I said that. 'Cause...I don't want you to date anyone but...me.”

“But...you?” His eyes widened in disbelief.

“You...don't wanna drop that I guess,” Esposito tried to tease with a nervous smile. It disappeared as the following minute passed without any kind of answer. Mentally, he cursed Castle for pushing him into this situation. Overwhelmed by his increasing nervousness and discomfort thanks to the awkwardness he sensed, he added, “Listen, I...don't get me wrong, I mean, we're friends...”

“You wanna take it back?” Ryan interrupted him.

“No! I mean, yes...no.” He groaned. “I don't know, man. What'd be the right answer?”

“What about an honest one?” Ryan asked back.

“No, I mean...” Esposito hesitated again. “I mean which answer will make sure we can at least stay friends? That I didn't mess up completely now?”

To his utter surprise, his partner smiled, and didn't look like he was faking it this time. “Like I said,” he repeated. “What about an honest one?”

It was the moment he had been waiting for, and this time, he was determined not to mess it up. “Okay, an honest one,” he said, closing the last bit of distance between the two of them. “I wanna be with you.” He paused. “What'd you say now?”

Ryan looked back at him for another moment before his smile widened. “I'd say I like the idea,” he answered. His expression had changed once again, and what he could see how didn't leave a doubt to the fact that not only was his partner saying the truth, Castle had been right all the time.

“You do?” he couldn't help but ask.

“Oh yeah,” his partner said.

And this time, he didn't hesitate. Pulling him closer, Esposito kissed Ryan, and wasn't surprised as he kissed back immediately. They had danced around each other for so long, and obviously listening to Castle from time to time could be quite a good idea.


End file.
